Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Bachelorette: I Have Been Called to Something Bigger.

We will now decamp to Bermuda and begin in earnest the process of winnowing down this crop of idiots and Axe body spray wearers until we arrive at the final gel-headed doofus who Emily will never, ever marry. It seems that Single Dad Doug is getting the first Solo Date and he responds with a stream of obscenities at his fellow contestants, who, in a rare bright spot on this show, continue to needle and provoke him and Thank God because it's the only sign of life we ever see from this borefest.

So Doug and Emz are off to wander the touristy streets of St. George which I guess is where the tourists go because I don't see a lot of local interest in the Bermuda Perfumery or the Ye Olde Chocolateria or whatever other stores exist solely to provide Americans with places to deposit dollars and leave with something breakable. Oh, hey, let's send a postcard to Doug's son AUSTIN. Emily muses, "What little kid doesn't want a postcard from their Dad?" And a complete stranger?

Nighttime sees another dinner where nobody takes a fucking bite and I'm starting to think that ABC is just setting out plastic food as scenery. Em tries to get Doug to reveal something dark about himself, but the best he can muster is that he loves too much or some bullshit like that. Obviously there is something here but Doug won't give it up.

WHAT IS DOUG HIDING?

1. Stash of child pornography

2. Total pothead

3. While out driving with Helen, Julie, and Barry, they hit a man on the road, push his corpse into the ocean, and all vow never to speak of it again

4. AUSTIN is actually a bonobo monkey

Doug then refers to himself in the third person, which is worse than any of that other stuff. Anyway, he gets the Flat Affect Rose and we will keep trying to learn his Dark Secret.

Hey, Group Date! We're going Sailboat Racing. It's like the Special America's Cup. Ugh, that joke didn't work at all. Anyway, Krylon happily notes that he's "in his element," which of course, Richie Rich, all you need is a monocle and a cigar to light with a $100 bill, naturally boat racing is your element. Anyway, blah blah blah cut to the chase and Sling Blade's team wins and they get to spend more time with Ems. Meanwhile, in the Loser Bus, Charlie is crying because he didn't get ice cream and Barney isn't on and I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF YOU YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD.

The Winners, however, gather on the veranda for canapes and cocktails and Sling Blade offers a toast to Emily, the "beautiful trophy/possible wife," and it's clear now that Sling Blade is negging because he read that works. He talks in high school football coach cliches and when Em asks him straight up if he'd still love her if she got fat he says "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman." WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN. And then he starts criticizing her for making out with Arie on TV? Because she's supposed to be a role model? And then she apologizes? Where the fuck is the napalm?

Next we have the Bachelorette version of the Cage Match, except it involves Hurt Feelings and Sad Looks instead of Eye Gouges and Carotid Artery Compression. Two losers will go on the date, but only one will be lucky enough to leave. The two on this date are Nate and Joe? Or John? Or Something? Anyway, cliff diving, whatever, then off to a cave for dinner where Nate repeatedly calls quinoa "kwin-oh-ah," which is understandable if you've never heard the word pronounced, but come on, he's from LA, not Fargo. The whole thing is completely awkward and painful and then Nate starts crying talking about how awesome his brother is. I guess his brother built him his first dollhouse or a cabinet for his doilies or something. He gets mercifully cut loose and now he can go braid his sister's hair or whatever.

Cut to the Douche Suite where Sling Blade likes his chances. He's "romantic, athletic, a charming guy, all of these things." Furthermore, he is "called to something bigger." Bigger than being on the Bachelorette? I don't understand! Then we move on to an instigated-by-the-producers made-for-TV confrontation between Chris who is faux-mad because people make fun of him for being only 25 and Doug who continues to be in a heavily narcotized state. Sadly, this ends without anyone being killed.

OK, Rose Ceremony. Somehow San Francisco Mushroom Farmer Alejandro makes the cut. Sadly, TBI Charlie and Ponytail Guy get axed. You can go home now, Charlie. Don't cry. It's OK. Shhh. Shhh.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

So glad I wasn't the only one who wanted to cut off my ears re: quinoa.

Petter Joe said...
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SLK in SF said...

TK, your title for this week was definitely the quote of the episode.

As usual, I can't wait for next Tuesday to roll around. Wouldn't even watch the show if it weren't for you, but it's become something akin to pleasure — or at least addiction. The credit (or blame) is upon your head alone.

Petter Joe said...

WOW! This was such an amazing read! You are so lucky to have the opportunities to travel to such amazing destinations! And your writing is so good, I feel like I was right there with you! :) Petter Joe