Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette: Nothing says romance like a creepy fucking marionette

Like many 1994 college grads, we have found ourselves in Prague without any real goal or the ability to speak Czech. Here in this Classical European Cultural Hub, we will cut two dimwits and send them back to America to return to the office parks from whence they sprang.

We begin with a solo date with Arie the Racecar Driver. Whoa, holy sequined shorts, Em! Pride was yesterday, girlfriend. Standard establishing shots of them traipsing around Historical Prague sipping hot wine and rubbing statues but DUN DUN DUNNNNNN here's Chris Harrison breaking in to tell us that something Very Important is going on. It seems that Arie once dated producer Cassie Lambert for about 20 minutes 10 years ago and Emily has learned this and it has shaken her to her very core. Wait, I don't get it. Who gives a fuck? Em's talking like they've been banging just off-camera during this whole season? But apparently they don't remember each other? The fuck?

Back to the date. Em is going all Psychological on his ass. "Don't you think it's important to be HONEST!!!!!!!" she says and a gong sounds and he doesn't get it because why the fuck would he? He's trying desperately to think of something to confess and here's what he comes up with: He used to have a girl's name tattooed on him but he had it covered up. This news Em treats like NBD, even though it is MUCH MORE WORRYING THAN THE PRODUCER THING. Hasn't anyone learned from Wino Forever? Listen up, folks: once you get a romantic partner's name tattooed anywhere on your body, that is a 100% guarantee the relationship will not last. Just get a butterfly or Tinkerbell on your lower back and be done with it.

ANYWAY, this is boring and apparently Emz and Producer Cassie (not that hot, BTW, doubt I'd hit it) and Arie all sat down and had a rap session and everybody's cool now because Ems is back to looking at Arie with googly eyes and he says "I love you" and boat trip and fireworks whatever.

Next solo date is with "John," I think that's his name, still not sure how he made it this far. He is the Bachelorette equivalent of the First Guy Off the Boat in a war movie. We know a little about him but he's about to get sawed in half by machine-gun fire. They do some Prague tourist shit and then there's the Uneaten Dinner in the castle and John decides to get all romantic with the story of how his last girlfriend cheated on him all weekend with a doctor. Nothing says "I'm a good catch" like a story about how the last chick you were with blew you off for the first thing that came by with a full head of hair and an oncology practice! Oh, next topic is how cool his parents are! HOTTTT. This leads to some 7th Grade Formal lip-kissing.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, shovel-faced Chris is FREAKING OUT I think because he hasn't had a solo date in a while? Then Fivehead gets back from his date and Sean goes rogue and leaves the hotel to find Emily. His strategy is to wander the streets of Prague yelling "EMILYYYYYYY". No wonder Europeans fucking hate Americans. Oh wait, there she is! Just hanging out alone in a tunnel. They decamp to what appears to be a Czech grandmother's sitting parlor for some alone time and making out.

Another fucking group date. This is the last fucking group date, thank God. Everyone into a horse carriage and off to Castle Greyskull. Man, Doug is such a fucking lump. He probably changes the channel when he comes across Cinemax because it's too "racy." (Alternatively, The Wife thinks there's a seething cauldron of Fucked Up inside him and he probably watches midget donkey porn.) Anyway, he's hanging with Em and looks physically uncomfortable to be that close to a Real Girl and starts with the flop sweats and stammering. She's finally had it with him and cuts him loose and he gets taken away in the Black Ops Rejection Van, hopefully to a Secret Site for torture and cookies. Sean gets the No Shit Rose, while Chris collapses into a heap and bitches about she never picks him first for kickball. What a maroon.

The last solo date in Prague will be with Jef, whose hair seems to have grown in size and importance as he draws closer to the finale. Hey, let's visit this FUCKING CREEPY ASS PUPPET STORE. It is run by a kindly Czech and there is no way he has body parts stored downstairs. The puppets would like to play with you! Forever and ever and ever. Then it's off to some library where we'll have a puppet show and, not making this up, re-enact key moments in their relationship. Oh fuck fuck fuck this is painful to watch. This is some David Lynch shit right here. Then his puppet confesses love for her puppet and even that chick from The Ring goes "This is fucking fucked up."

See what I mean about the hair?

This segues into some making out on the library floor and Jef is telling her about his parents and says they won't be there if she comes to visit because they're "committed to some stuff for a few years." Like a mental institution, I'm guessing! Oh, his family's "really private," no surprise there. He closes with the very sweet "I want to date you so hard and marry the [BLEEP] out of you." Ugh, is this how Mormons talk dirty? He probably said "marry the SATAN out of you."

Time for the Czechtail Party. See what I did there? Oh, fuck, never mind, joke ruined, there is no cocktail party this week. Chris Harrison breaks the bad new to the fellas and Chris starts to decompensate at once. He must talk to her!

Rose Ceremony. Emily is wearing what appears to be a dress made from discarded purple mylar balloons. Jef, of course, gets a rose, then Arie, and it's down to Chris and Fivehead and Chris finally snaps and really must talk to her. He's all in love with her and ready to be a Dad and whatever dude I guess it worked because Fivehead is shown the door like duh we didn't see that coming.

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