We start with a solo date with Chris. It seems that we are off to Mexico for a bullfight! This is very exciting! Oh, wait, they're not just watching the bullfight, they are the prey! Emily and Chris are abandoned in the middle of the bullfighting ring and then suddenly set upon by a gang of matadors, who are cranked out of their minds on steroids and cheap Mexican speed and armed with electric cattle prods and sharpened polo mallets. Em and Chris gamely try to avoid their deadly assailants, but are soon overwhelmed. Emily, shocked and bloody, falls to the dirt as Chris tries valiantly to protect her, but....
It is a dangerous game, mi amigo.
Nah, I'm just shitting you. This is just as boring as always. Em and Chris stroll through deserted downtown Charlotte until it's time to put on some harnesses and climb up the side of a building, like they do at least once every season. Blah blah blah. "Climbing a building is definitely like love," says flat-faced Chris. Both involve wearing a harness and struggling for breath, so yeah, I guess that's true. Or maybe that's just me. Em seems to think he's super good looking or something and maybe I'm missing something because he looks like any other weak-chinned doofus to me. So then they hang out on the roof and the news that he is 25 years old confuses and puzzles Emily because, I guess, why would any otherwise normal 25 year old agree to go on a TV show to get married. After their rooftop hangout, we are subjected to more country music, this time from Lane Bryant or Lute Byron or something, I couldn't make it out. Whoever this joker is, he's in the running for Worst Lyricist of the Year, because he sings "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom," which makes sense if your girl is Ludacris, I guess. This makes Train lyrics look like Lord Byron. Anyway, I hope the next Bachelor/ette likes punk instead because it would be awesome if they had the Dwarves on or something instead of another Generic White Dude being boring.
Next up we have a Group Date. We're off on a plane somewhere and the guys are trying to figure out where they're going and SURPRISE they're going to join a FARC faction in Colombia and whoever is able to kidnap a wealthy industrialist in downtown Bogota will get a solo dinner with Emily! OK, this should be exciting! Oh, wait, Charlie blew himself up dropping a mortar round on the ground and now their fellow guerillas are pointing and laughing at them!
No, no, no, that never happened. Instead a bunch of these dorks dress up in their Activewear and go to the park and Sling Blade immediately goes all Alpha Douche on the proceedings and meanwhile E rounds up her "best friends" who are all older white Mommy-types except for one vaguely ethnic chick but I can't figure what she's supposed to be. So these "friends" are going to interview the idiots and it's mostly just as boring and pointless as you'd imagine except there's one friend who fails to hide her immediate sexual longing for Sean and basically goes all Bob-Hoskins-seeing-Jessica-Rabbit and her eyes like bug out of her head and she goes "HUBBA HUBBA" and makes him take off his shirt and the whole nine. Gross. Then they unleash a whole parade of rented children so the guys can show off their Superior Child Skills and everyone dutifully pretends to enjoy this except for Sling Blade, who immediately ditches his kid and goes over to where Emily is debriefing with the Momz and tells her he won't love her if she gets fat. SOLID MOVE DUDE.
Now it is night and Em throws on some new hookerwear and we're off to whatever passes for a nightclub in a strip mall in Charlotte. Here we have Doug recounting his unbelievable tragic backstory, which includes a dead epileptic Dad, Mom who walked out, foster care, and God knows whatever other Dickensian nightmares he didn't reveal. Jesus Christ, this is depressing. Oh, Tony is kind of decompensating because he's been away from his kid for like 3 days and can't handle it. There's some kind of bizarro parental attachment disorder going on here. He talks to his kid on speakerphone and frankly the kid doesn't sound all that great so I think Tony's kind of a drama queen. Anyway, he just can't take it any more and leaves the show. I hope that kid never goes to summer camp or Tony will have to be hospitalized. Sean gets a rose for no discernible reason.
Solo date with Ari or Arie or whatever, the racecar driver. ABC's budget for this date must be about $36 because they're off to Dollywood, which I gather is like Hillbilly Disneyland. Anyway, they walk around the completely empty park and go into this theater and Dolly Parton shows up! Dolly Parton is one of those artists that everyone just loves. I mean, even the total asshole cynical bastards just melt when they talk about Dolly. It's a thing. So she wrote a song for the show and sings it and then has a little sit-down with Emz and actually it's a little uncomfortable because she mostly brags about how long she's been married and how her husband is alive and Emz has to be thinking "I'd be married too if Racecar Ricky hadn't died!" Then they have dinner in some barn thing and Arie gets to go on and on about how much he loves kids and no one touches their food, as per usual this season and he gets a rose because whatever. Arie's voiceover says she "exceeded his expectations," so it definitely sounds like love!
I am making mad bank for this appearance.
Let's get to the Cocktail Party. We are almost through this grueling slog. Krylon is wearing glasses this week and won't let Emily get a word in and then when she tries to talk he says "SHUT UP BITCH THERE'S A MAN TALKING," oh, no wait he says something like "if you'd let me finish" or something as dickish as that. The Guy Who's Carrying an Egg Around, who I had mostly forgotten about, gives it to Em to SMASH and whatever who gives a fuck. Grain Merchant Alessandro says something about how her having a kid would be a "compromise" and she doesn't like that and he immediately gets sent back to the Late Middle Ages or wherever the fuck he's from.
So Krylon gets to stay, for some reason. Some guy named "Nate," too. We bid farewell to New Jersey's "Party MC" Stevie. I'm sure there's someone out there for Stevie. Maybe in an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Oh, and then Sling Blade calls Arie a "dainty guy" and then that's it.
"Here For the Right Reasons" Total This Episode: 3