Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Bachelor: Somebody is, duh, Not Here for the Right Reasons

Before we get started, let's all just take a moment and enjoy this little morsel of delight, courtesy of Reality Blurred:

I wish you could legally marry a video. Maybe soon! Take that, Rick Santorum!

OK, on to the festivities. We're in Belize! Belize seems like a vaguely watered-down Jamaica or maybe like Mexico with more snakes and less heads in bags. Ben begins with a Solo Date with Lindzi the Makeupless Wonder, which reduces Nicki to tears. Oh wait! She's putting on makeup! She must have read an article in Mademoiselle or something.

We kick off with the Obligatory Helicopter Ride, which terminates at some kind of ocean feature called the Blue Hole and Lindzi will conquer her fear of heights by jumping 3 feet from the helicopter into the ocean. Cut to Outdoor Dinner on a pier. They're all blah blah blah and Ben is "falling for you" like that means anything. They decide to put a note in a bottle and Ben writes a creepy little fairy tale thing and they put it in a bottle and toss it into the 16 inches of water by the pier where it floats listlessly and will later be fished out of the lagoon by Ricardo who will go "Fucking Americans throwing their fucking trash in the water." Lindzi says "Ben's my Prince Charming" and my wife says "Get your hair out of your face, bitch," and that's about it.

Solo date with Emily. As long as we're going to let anyone marry anyone, we want Emily to be our Sister Wife. Maybe that's just my idea but I'll talk everyone into it. Anyway, she and Ben bike around this Belizean town and have some Totally Authentic Encounters with the locals and then head out lobster diving totally on a whim and there's no possible way this lobster diving was conceived of in an ABC conference room 3 months ago and the boat owner had to sign a contract and get the proper insurance and the cameras had to be rigged and everything, nope, totally spontaneous. As it turns out, lobsters do not particularly want to be caught and Mike the Lobster is just meandering along the seafloor doing lobster shit until YOINK he is snatched from his reverie and held aloft by some dork with bad hair and makes his Lobster TV Debut.

On to the OD. That's what I call Outdoor Dinners because I heard all the kids are into using acronyms. Also, D.R.E.A.M. (dipshits rule everything around me). Anyway, they're having lobster, natch, and Emily says "Today was Superfund," and I'm like what, it was a toxic waste site?, and I realize she said "super fun." Anyway, kissing, "best date of my life," whatever.

Solo date with Courtney the Lizard Queen who is so fucking weird and objectionable and still is doing the baby talk and has the flat affect of a heavily sedated schizophrenic. They are off to some Mayan ruins and here is your Mayan Apocalypse, if you need one: Two idiots scaling a Mayan temple to compare notes on their fake TV relationship. C. bitches bitch bitches about EVERYTHING and B somehow finds this bullshit entrancing and says he needs someone "a little bit weird." WELL, THERE YOU GO. THIS SHOW IS NOW EXPLAINED. How about "a lot weird," or "bizarrely weird," Ben? Does that work? Because you've got one right here. Later they're at the top and instead of cutting her head off and rolling it down the steps like he should do, B. sighs and says - NOT MAKING THIS UP - "Oh my Dad" instead of "Oh my God" and I guess Ben's Dead Dad is our new God. He explains he says this sometimes when he feels close to Dad like he does now sitting on top of a Mayan pyramid with a mentally ill fish-eyed baby-talking model. At the OD that follows, she reveals that she wants him to meet her parents. Me fucking too. I want to see what spawned this hellish creation.

On to the Group Date. B rounds up some chicks and they're off to go Shark Diving! It sounds scary but these sharks frankly look a little sedated and like they could care less about all the stick figures floating in the water 7 feet above their heads. Hey, new Belize ad slogan: BELIZE, WHERE EVEN OUR SHARKS ARE DRUNK! You can totally use that if you want, Belize. There's a rose at the end of this lame-ass shark encounter, which Kacie gets for "wearing her heart on her sleeve," sure, and I can't wait for her Epic Meltdown when she finally gets the boot. Later, the chicks are all busting on Courtney and telling B that she is Not Here for the Right Reasons! You go, girls! Unfortunately, Courtney has done some kind of bruja shit and cast a Lizard Spell on this hapless retard and he will not listen to the truth.

Nighttime and the chicks are assembled on some tiki torch patio for the Cocktail Party but Chris Harrison appears and delivers the Shocking News that there will be no Cocktail Party tonight and we are proceeding straight to the Rose Ceremony. We're gonna cut 2 chicks tonight! We're all set to go when B pulls Courtney aside and she is doing her crazy fucking cokemouth and he wants to make sure she is Here for the Right Reasons and his investigation consists of him asking her if she is and she says "Yes" and that's about it.

Anyway, Scratchy-voiced Rachel and Emily get cut. You're better off, Emily. As for you, Flajnik, you get what you deserve. I hope you end up with Courtney and that bitch will haunt you the rest of your days.


Rocco said...

OMG. that video. crying. genius.

Brett said...

Re Courtney: I realize this show was filmed a few months back, but what is up with the outdated pop culture catch phrases? I've heard the following: Winning, check yourself, see ya wouldn't want to be ya, etc. She's like a lizard martian. She reminds me of the reptile bounty hunter you see briefly in Empire Strikes Back, next to Boba Fett.

I've said to much.

daisy said...

Obviously we all really want him to pick Courtney, right? Otherwise I've wasted hours and hours of my life.

Pangolin said...

Television eats your brain. Proof in one.

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