Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor: Welcome to Casa de las Creepout

It was Leo Tolstoy who once said "Man, these people are fucked up." Oh no, wait, he said "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And with that, we are off on hometown visits to examine what kind of family would produce a person who would debase herself on national TV for a shot at marrying a flat-haired doofus or, in the case of Courtney, to further one's path towards softcore porn on Cinemax.

We begin in Ocala, Florida, from whence Lindzi emerged (although it appears from the subtitles under her face that she now lives in the considerably less climate-friendly Seattle). As Ben strolls down a country path, she appears riding some kind of genetically modified mini-horse. Seriously, you could mount this thing by spreading your legs apart and walking over it. Anyway, they chain this hapless beast to a cart and ride off to meet the parents. Dad is one of those hyper-competitive Extra Dads who make everything a contest and is all OK GAME TIME and then it all ends in tears and recriminations. Maybe that was just my house. Anyway, Dad suggests a little game of mini-horse cart racing except has has a full-sized horse and Dad and Mom win and that means the losers have to strap into the cart and pull the winners back to the house and it is a disturbing scene that is just a couple of horse suits away from some serious furry action.

Dad later sits down with Ben and explains that "We kept her away from boys," like no shit, you don't say, looks like you also kept her away from makeup and hairstyling too. The Lindzi picture is swimming into focus now. And in conclusion, we will have a toast with some kind of fucking Mason jars made into wineglasses? What hillbilly sommelier sorcery is this?

Next up, Kacie in Clarksville, TN. After an excruciating bit with a marching band and more baton twirling, KC and B sit down on the HS football bleachers and talk about how her grandparents died. Uplifting! KC says her Dad doesn't drink and B's all freaked out b/c his "business is booze" and KC does a lot of fake high-pitched laughing. Over at the fam house, Mom and Dad have some concerns about KC living in sin prior to marriage and also about women voting and the repeal of Prohibition and how come there's no mandatory prayer in post offices? What I want to know is, what was the picture behind the couch that ABC made them cover? I bet it was come Civil War shit. I bet you.

OK, let's make a brief stop in Fort Worth to meet Nicki's parents before we get to the main event. B blathers on and on about how much he likes Texas. They stop at the Cowboy Store and get all rodeoed up with hats and boots and belt buckles and all kinds of other Yosemite Sam shit and then it's off to Standard Suburbia to meet Mom and Dad. Dad looks like a football coach but he's actually a pretty nice and cool guy and tells Nicki he's sorry he let her marry that first jerk. Oh look, they're having nonalcoholic dinner too, but nobody's making a big deal about it like they did at the Holiers. Nicki tells B she's falling in love with him yeah yeah whatever let's get to Courtney already.

Courtney's from Scottsdale! That makes perfect sense. They head straight to the fam house. Courtney says "This is Casa de Ninas, my Dad calls it, the House of Little Girls." Oh, that's not creepy at all, Dad. Just go the whole 9 and call it Casa de FBI Kiddie Porn Search Warrant, why don't you. Dad, RICK ROBERTS, is a piece of work. He's basically a motivational speaker in a sweater vest. Everyone repairs to Patio de la Capilla, according to the sign above the table, which means Deck of the Creepers.

Later, Dad has a sit-down with Ben. He reaches out and says "ARE YOU READY TO BE YOUR FUTURE??!! YOU CAN LIVE! YOUR! DREAM!!!" Not really. He says something about marriage being a gamble or something. Oh look, Courtney got cokemouth from Mom! Cokemouth must be genetic. Courtney and Ben head off to the park for a super bizarro fake wedding with a minister/actor and they write vows and everything and the whole thing is deeply weird.

OK, back in LA. ABC needs to fill 10 minutes so we get a boring recap of all the visits. Now it's time to cut someone. Not much mystery here. No Sex Before Marriage Kacie gets the boot.She gets a little spicy in the Crying Limo! She's all "What the [BEEP] happened? What the [BEEP] happened?" Your family is what happened, silly!

(In the Credit Sequence outtakes, we are treated to a scene of Courtney telling her family about skinny dipping with Ben - EWWWW - followed by her informing us that Dad likes a bit of the skinny dipping in the family pool himself and I don't want to know anything more about what goes on at the House of Little Girls.)


storojne said...

Yes! I've been waiting all day for this post. Love your recaps, you are hilarious. Kacie's progression from calm and gracious to freakout in the limo was the best. Thanks!

Laura McLeod said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BestLion said...

I'll bet the pic in the home was some religious stuff..Likely a Mel Gibson Passion of the Christ pic with Jesus drenched in blood.
Kacie B claims she lso is a born againer..Yeah can imagine Ben sitting in Church on Sundays listening to Benny Hinn lol.