Thursday, November 10, 2011

Everybody's teleportin'

A while back I was at bingo with some good Christians and we were talking about what superpower we would like to have. I remember invisibility being tossed around but really, what good is invisibility? So you can sneak around and spy on people? You don't even need to do that anymore, because everyone puts everything on Twitter and Foursquare anyway. Plus, who cares? Invisibility doesn't do anything.

TOTALLY UNRELATED INTERJECTED STORY: A while back, they had this little display thing at AT&T Park with pictures of Giants players and like a question-and-answer type thing. And one of the questions was something like "If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?" And Barry Zito, who is just such a tool, you can totally tell, said he's like to have a jaguar for a pet or something tool-y like that. But God bless Matt Cain. He said his dream was to "visit Australia." CAN YOU IMAGINE? All he wants to do is visit Australia! It almost made me cry. His dream is so simple and attainable that it seems sad. It's like he doesn't realize that he can totally visit Australia! He's so humble he doesn't even realize it. It's like if someone asked you what your dream was and you said "To get an Icee at Target someday."

ANYWAY, BACK TO OUR STORY.

Flying. Big whoop? So what? You can fly. The novelty of that would wear off after about a half-hour. And then it would just get so rote and boring and your friends would call you and all be like "Yo, I'm heading to North Beach right now, can you fly up there and find me a parking space and then fly down and stand in it until I get there? Thanks."

SO YOU KNOW WHAT WON? TELEPORTATION. Think about it. One second you're here. ZZZZOOOOOOTTTT. Now you're in Paris, France. Also, in our rules you have the ability to teleport anything or anyone you're touching at the time you teleport. So you can grab ahold of your girl and then ZZZZZOOOOTTTTT beach on Kauai. Or grab some bros and ZZZOOOOOTTT Wrigley Field. Teleportation! It's what's for dinner. Seriously, there is no better superpower. Think about it.

7 comments:

idrumgood said...

The issue you run into with teleporting is knowing where you'll end up. What if you teleport to Wrigley and you materialize inside a hotdog cart?! You're f*cked.

Nightcrawler has this problem, and it's a very real problem indeed.

Flying, which you so quickly dismiss, would me nearly as quick as teleporting (assuming you could fly pretty damn fast). And if you're going to allow taking articles with when teleporting, then why not give yourself enough strength to carry at least one other peson when flying.

But really, when I get into this question, I always end up wanting to go Aquaman style. Because A) then I couldn't ever drown, and drowning is some scary shit. And B) I bet there's some cool stuff under water.

TK said...

Well, since it's our rules, we're instituting a no-teleporting-into-hot-dog-carts-or-other-solid-objects rule.

As for flying, I imagine it would get really, really uncomfortable over, say, 180 mph, and you'd need to go at least 500-600 mph to make it to NYC for a long weekend.

But yeah, there is some cool stuff underwater.

Gone To Guam said...

Wow, bingo sounds fascinating. (Also: Really, Zito?)

Teleportation, yes, but also time travel. Wormhole surfing perhaps.

Remember kids, it is certainly possibly to go underwater. But there are weird things there, like this Giants fan spotted in Palau in the spring.

Andrea said...

I want to be able to unhinge my jaw and swallow stuff twice my size.

Stoney said...

Being able to teleport objects could get you into trouble with Teamsters. Keep it on the DL.

GG said...

There was a whole This American Life segment on just the flying v. invisibility thing: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/178/superpowers?act=1

NikkiL said...

I always answered that question with "Whatever Jean Grey has." You can read/control minds and move objects and since you can move objects, you can move yourself and therefore fly, plus fly other people. She had a lot of things going for her. Aside from the psycho Phoenix thing she really won the X-Men lottery.
Ok, now that I completely nerded up your blog I'm going back to work...