Friday, May 6, 2011

Help me find my stolen car

My car got stolen last night.

I want to think it's God punishing me for getting a parking space DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE, but probably not, right? Gotta hand it to the SFPD: they were here at my office to take a report less than 30 minutes after I called. TRY THAT SHIT IN OAKLAND AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. So, good for you, SFPD!

Officer #1: "Did your car have tinted windows? Decals? Anything distinctive?"
Me: "Well, it was lifted and on 24s." Not really. I didn't really say that, because it would be a lie. I also neglected to say that you would know it was mine if you found Elliott Smith and Weakerthans CDs in the console.

ANYWAY, I need your help finding my car. Below I've assembled some artist's representations of places you might find it to help you look.

It might have gone up to Tahoe for the weekend. I think it likes skiing and I never go and that upsets it.

Or it could be at trendy new Mission eatery Locanda, enjoying a "Jewish Style Artichoke," whatever that means.

Maybe taking in a Giants game tonight. Check the upper deck - I don't think it has a lot of cash for better seats.

I heard that it might have participated in last night's San Francisco mayoral debate. Did you hear a Jeep Cherokee mention anything about "building communities" or "reinventing how city hall works"? That was probably it.

Keep an eye out for it at Debaser tomorrow night. It loves shoegaze.


daisy said...

I'm headed to Tahoe tonight, so I'll keep an eye out.

(I can't believe they stole the car and not that chick's bike. WTF?)

TK said...

Thanks, Daisy! Approach it quietly and calmly. No sudden movements. You don't want to scare it off.

I didn't even notice whether the bike's still there.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about your car! A friend of mine had her car stolen, and the cops found it a week later near the ballpark, filled with empty McDonald's bags and containers. I guess they took it for a joyride through the drive-thru window.

I hope the cops find your car minus the fast food bags.

quake said...

Are you sure that it didn't wind up as a Telstar Logistics company vehicle?

G. said...

Oh noes! I think I caught it trying to f*ck my Mini Cooper, but I just turned the hose on both of them and he took off. If I'd known he was yours I would have tried to corral him first.

Anonymous said...

GG, I think we now know how your Mini got its "alignment problems".

TK, I so wish you had tried to explain The Weakerthans to the SFPD.

Todd Lappin/Telstar Logistics said...

Awww. I drive a white Cherokee as well. So sorry. I'll keep my eyes peeled.

TK said...


"Officer, they are an extremely catchy, poppy- I don't want to say pop, because it's not really pop - umm, I guess indie rock? Really hard to say."


That was definitely him! Damn.


I don't think mine's nice enough to make the cut.

Dusty Modern said...

This is an exciting opportunity for me to recall my car thefts in the past few years. February '09 - stolen in North Berkeley, recovered about a week later in Richmond. Graffiti inside, along with pizza box, and stuff stolen from other people. Later in '09 - stolen in South Berkeley, recovered the next day in Emeryville. A little later in '09, stolen in South Berkeley, recovered the next day in San Leandro. Ever so slightly later in '09, stolen in South Berkeley, recovered later that day in South Berkeley, with toy gun and burglary tools inside. Hey, that was all in '09! So when I say "past few years," I mean that one fucking year.

What changed? Wife and I finally bought "The Club." I recommend it. I also recommend not living in Berkeley.

Anonymous said...


21-Day Holistic Cleanse said...

what is it with people eating in stolen cars? manuel's car was recovered containing packages of (mostly uneaten) ramen noodles.

Rocco said...

shit, forgot to log out of my professional account. oh wellz :(

Tamagosan said...

Yay for Mr. B. Justice finding your car. Who knew that it would eschew Giants games for Planet of the Apes?

A diving buddy of mine recently had his car stolen (always a genius move by the thieves considering this island is only 35 miles long...and he was super low on gas) and they left lots of food wrappers and didn't even steal the more expensive dive gear. May your thieves be that stupid.

Justin Simonsen said...

I had my Accord stolen by crack heads who, when it ran out of gas, stole the spare tire and left it in San Leandro, coated in crack smoke.