My car got stolen last night.
I want to think it's God punishing me for getting a parking space DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE, but probably not, right? Gotta hand it to the SFPD: they were here at my office to take a report less than 30 minutes after I called. TRY THAT SHIT IN OAKLAND AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. So, good for you, SFPD!
Officer #1: "Did your car have tinted windows? Decals? Anything distinctive?"
Me: "Well, it was lifted and on 24s." Not really. I didn't really say that, because it would be a lie. I also neglected to say that you would know it was mine if you found Elliott Smith and Weakerthans CDs in the console.
ANYWAY, I need your help finding my car. Below I've assembled some artist's representations of places you might find it to help you look.
It might have gone up to Tahoe for the weekend. I think it likes skiing and I never go and that upsets it.
Or it could be at trendy new Mission eatery Locanda, enjoying a "Jewish Style Artichoke," whatever that means.
Maybe taking in a Giants game tonight. Check the upper deck - I don't think it has a lot of cash for better seats.
I heard that it might have participated in last night's San Francisco mayoral debate. Did you hear a Jeep Cherokee mention anything about "building communities" or "reinventing how city hall works"? That was probably it.
Keep an eye out for it at Debaser tomorrow night. It loves shoegaze.