Welcome, Texas people! We are happy to have you in our Fair City. Please allow me to give you a few tips that will enhance your stay here:
1. Remember - gay people always want to have sex with you and will pursue you relentlessly. Also, they are everywhere. 9 out of 10 men in San Francisco are gay. How can you spot a gay person? They are wearing ascots and carrying small dogs in Vuitton carriers. They also lisp and faint if startled. BE CAREFUL.
2. We're all stoned out on The Pot 24/7. That's because we're all hippies, just like you read about! Groovy, man. If someone offers you The Pot, you can just say "I don't have glaucoma" and they'll leave you alone.
3. Everything is very expensive! That's because we don't have any oil wells here in the city limits.
4. Enjoy our colorful hobos! It's fun to dangle a dollar bill in midair and ask them to do a trick. This is normal and they expect you to do that.
5. For an authentic San Francisco Experience, make sure to visit Fisherman's Wharf! That's where real San Franciscans go for fun and for great, freshly-caught seafood.
6. Did you rent a car? Good move! You'll find plenty of convenient free parking all over the city. Just look for curbs painted blue and marked with a guy in a chair. This is Tourist Parking, and the guy in the chair is a lazy tourist who just wants to sit down. Like you!
7. The Transamerica Pyramid is where the Illuminati meet. When the light on top is flashing, they're having a meeting and Socialism is Coming Soon! Watch Glenn Beck for more details.
Illuminati meeting in progress. Expect your guns and/or Bible to be taken away soon. (Thx Wiggum03 for the pic.)
8. Those guys on the corner of Golden Gate and Hyde sell delicious rock candy, the Real San Francisco Treat! It's $20 for two rocks, but boy is it worth it. Just chew and enjoy! Your mouth might get a little numb, but that's totally normal!
9. Going to the game? Make sure and ask for your free chardonnay and cheese sampler!