The rising epidemic of Oakland animal "super-predators"

Oakland Police are gravely concerned, and justifiably so, about a new terror stalking the streets of the Bay Area's sixth most popular city: marauding attack animals, bent on killing humans for the sheer thrill of it.

We first noticed the trend several months ago, when Oakland Police cornered "Bambizzle," a small deer that was menacing an East Oakland neighborhood. OPD finally cornered the deer and managed to subdue it with seven shots from a .40-cal Glock. Fortunately, they were able to quell the threat before the deer killed again. We may never know the exact number of victims it claimed.

Artist's depiction of "Bambizzle," with suspected companion "T-Thump."

Anyone who thought that was the end of the Animals' War on Oaklanders was wrong, very wrong. Why, just yesterday, Oakland Police bravely brought down "Gloria," an arthritic, 11-year-old yellow Lab, who was obviously threatening their lives. This wild predator is now off the streets of Oakland. Or out of her backyard, whatever.

LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUIRRELS: Get anywhere near this picnic blanket and we will open up a fucking WATERFALL OF LEAD on your and your punk-ass companions. SAME FOR YOU, CHIPMUNKS.