I kinda feel bad about making fun of the Top Tweets. It's like shooting fish in a barrel and I like to think I have standards. If you read the TTs, you know what I mean. They're a mashup of the most mindless, trite, inane platitudes, Bieber news, bad jokes, stupid quotes, and endlessly repeated memes about how Facebook is for the people you went to high school with and Twitter is for the people you wish you went to high school with and BLAH BLAH BLAH IT'S SO STUPID MY BRAIN JUST FUCKING EXPLODED.
So I resisted writing about it. But I can't take it any more. Here's the one that pushed me over the edge:
This is one of the "Top Tweets" in America right now.
OK, let's unpack this a little. Kirk Franklin is a gospel singer, Christian rapper, and sometime porn addict. Many of the most inane Top Tweets are vaguely religiously-themed, so that makes sense. But this one is just too much.
Let's start at the beginning. Kirk opens his thought with "Late lunch on your boy." WTF? I thought this might be some slang I'm not hip to so I looked up "late lunch" on Urbandictionary.com and the only definition is "When a guy walks past you while you're making a sandwich in the late afternoon and asks, 'Late lunch?', then walks into the toilet and proceeds to take a very loud dump." That doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't seem to have anything to do with this Tweet.
TELL ME, KIRK FRANKLIN, WHAT DOES "LATE LUNCH ON YOUR BOY" MEAN?
Moving on. "You will NEVER out sin-God's grace." I think he meant "out-sin God's grace," unless there's a new God in town and his name is "Sin-God," which would kind of fucking rock. ANYWAY. I guess that means that no matter what kind of depraved, vile, digusting thing you do, God will always forgive. Good news if you're Kirk Franklin! Oh, sorry, Kirk Franklin. That was a low blow.
But seriously, that's gotta be the killer app of Christianity. Fuck up however you want! There are no consequences! God will forgive you for ANYTHING! I think I'd prefer it if God held a grudge sometimes. Might cut down on the general douchebaggery afflicting the world.
"the mistake you made, He saw it before you did it." LITTLE HELP NEXT TIME, GOD. You could say, "WHOA, MR. .23 BLOOD ALCOHOL, TRY TAKING A CAB INSTEAD OF DRIVING" or "DON'T STEP ON THAT LAND MINE!" or "DON'T CRUCIFY THAT GUY, IT WILL CAUSE PERSECUTION FOR MILLENIA." I'm not asking for much here, God.
I have to stop reading these things.