Mad Men #11: Stop me at 3. This is 1.

Only 2 more weeks! Before we get started, stop what you’re doing, get down upon your knees and watch Jon Hamm on “Between Two Ferns.”

OK, we begin at a lesbian beach party or something and Stalker Abe is all crushed up on Pegs and they go back to her place and he’s all “God I love your shoulders” and man, that line works 100% of the time because they’re hitting it.

Meanwhile, Cosgrove and his butchy wife or fiancée or whatever are out to dinner with Leland Palmer. Some advertising douche tells Cos that Lucky Strike bailed and he’s all “O RLY?” and ad douche is like “YA RLY,” and Cos has to go and Leland Palmer looks upset. After some minor interstitial scenes that aren’t worth getting into this leads to an Important Office Meeting with All Our Leads and Roger’s all like “No way, doodz” and he pulls the Old Fake Phone Call and you gotta be shitting me, no one notices? SO FAKE. If Bert Cooper would look up from his tentacle porn, he’d even notice.

Pete keeps coming to the hospital. I think Trudy is either getting some Botox or is about to have a baby. Dad in Law wants Pete to join Ted Chaoughough. Pete’s not too crazy about this idea. Ted sweetens the deal by offering to teach him how to drive! Awww, that’s sweet. Maybe take him to a ballgame and get him some cotton candy and that’ll do the trick.

Here’s the Big Office Meeting we’ve been expecting. Are they going to sing Happy Birthday? No, they’re going to say that everyone’s losing their jobs. No, they’re saying everything’s fine. That’s probably not true. Peggy’s getting back to work on the Playtex account. This will be the dirtiest ad campaign in history. “Playtex keeps your hands soft, so handjobs are better!” No wait, how about “Playtex…for soft, vaginalike hands.” Hmmmm, no, something like that, though. Speaking of the sex, here comes Stalker Abe. He’s posing as a delivery man! Here is your Special Delivery! Of sex in your office!

There’s a whole Roger-Joan thing that lasts all episode and it’s mostly Roger calling up Joan and whining and begging for it. It’s like the 1965 equivalent of a text at 2 a.m. that says “hey wanna fuk lol.” Finally he goes over to her place and she dumps him in person. But does she still have his baby? DUN DUN DUN.

Later, what’s his face sexually harasses Pegs for a while and then doesn’t tell her that she has lipstick on her teeth and she gives the Playtex presentation looking like she’s just been feasting on dead infants. This is a good look for Playtex, though, because they seem to like it. She’s also wearing her cheerleader outfit again which also might help.

Late night meeting with Don and his new Canadian Sexretary. About damn time. That Faye was getting all difficult with her “No, I won’t give you my secret information.” She eventually gives him a hot tip on the vinegar sauce and beans account at Heinz or something. Meanwhile, Sexretary wants to learn what goes on here. What goes on here is sex and drinking. It’s like spring break but with better clothes. She’s an artist from Montreal. Whatever, let’s bang.