Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Travel Tips for Visiting Rangers Fans!

Welcome, Texas people! We are happy to have you in our Fair City. Please allow me to give you a few tips that will enhance your stay here:

1. Remember - gay people always want to have sex with you and will pursue you relentlessly. Also, they are everywhere. 9 out of 10 men in San Francisco are gay. How can you spot a gay person? They are wearing ascots and carrying small dogs in Vuitton carriers. They also lisp and faint if startled. BE CAREFUL.

2. We're all stoned out on The Pot 24/7. That's because we're all hippies, just like you read about! Groovy, man. If someone offers you The Pot, you can just say "I don't have glaucoma" and they'll leave you alone.

3. Everything is very expensive! That's because we don't have any oil wells here in the city limits.

4. Enjoy our colorful hobos! It's fun to dangle a dollar bill in midair and ask them to do a trick. This is normal and they expect you to do that.

5. For an authentic San Francisco Experience, make sure to visit Fisherman's Wharf! That's where real San Franciscans go for fun and for great, freshly-caught seafood.

6. Did you rent a car? Good move! You'll find plenty of convenient free parking all over the city. Just look for curbs painted blue and marked with a guy in a chair. This is Tourist Parking, and the guy in the chair is a lazy tourist who just wants to sit down. Like you!

7. The Transamerica Pyramid is where the Illuminati meet. When the light on top is flashing, they're having a meeting and Socialism is Coming Soon! Watch Glenn Beck for more details.


Illuminati meeting in progress. Expect your guns and/or Bible to be taken away soon. (Thx Wiggum03 for the pic.)

8. Those guys on the corner of Golden Gate and Hyde sell delicious rock candy, the Real San Francisco Treat! It's $20 for two rocks, but boy is it worth it. Just chew and enjoy! Your mouth might get a little numb, but that's totally normal!

9. Going to the game? Make sure and ask for your free chardonnay and cheese sampler!

27 comments:

THE PUNVERT said...

10. Don't forget to call our beautiful city "Frisco" to everyone you meet. Us "Friscians" love it!

Brett said...

Dear Friscians,

Do try and remember that, despite what you may hear, that Dallas is actually a very tiny, backwoods city, without any homosexual population, cultural institutions, drugs, or even liberals. Therefore, feel encouraged to treat any and all visitors there as unenlightened rubes.

Sincerely,

Residents of the Sticks

PS: When you come to Dallas for games 3,4 and 5, be sure and try some of our ballpark delicacies, such as the Endangered Species Dogs and the Jesus Shaped Funnel Cakes.

Fred Fnord said...

Dear Brett,

Nothing personal. San Franciscans treat all visitors as unenlightened rubes. Because, y'know, they're not from San Francisco.*

* (People from London, New York, or Paris sometimes get a pass on this one.)

Sincerely,

Fred Fnord

PS: Congratulations! You are the first Dallas fan that I have ever conversed with who was willing to admit that there might be a game 5.

Brett said...

You mean they think we might sweep? Then they are Cowboys fans, and deserving of your mocking.

TK said...

HOLY SHIT WHERE DO I GET AN ENDANGERED SPECIES DOG RIGHT NOW????

Speaking of, I hear gray wolf kebabs are delicious.

Brett said...

Don't get too excited, TK. The endangered species is Texas democrat.

thesoniashow said...

Jesus-shaped funnel cakes?! Mmmm, sacralicious.

Brett said...

Now with 100% more blasphemy...

TK said...

I guess once Texas secedes from the US it won't be an issue anyway. I imagine the Endangered Species Act won't be long-lived in the new Texas Republic.

Anyway, BASEBALL.

burritojustice.com said...

Ha, sacrilicious!

Also relevant are the brave SF commenters in that weak sauce Giants Don't Deserve To Win Dallas News thread:

2) Most of the gay guys in the Castro spend 3 hours a day at the gym. They are RIPPED, and I suspect would tear you to pieces.

Brett said...

In my experience, Dallas News commenters make SFist commenters seem open minded and humorous.

Brett said...

Oh, and that columnist, Steve Blow? Let's just say his moniker is derivative.

Tamagosan said...

Brett's perspective is refreshing and WHOA THERE just had a bit of positive feelings toward Texas! Yikes. Those kind of shenanigans can wait until after the Giants take it home. I should also say that I DO NOT find pitcher Lee attractive in ANY WAY because that would make me a traitor. But if he needs to dry his tears, I'm just saying...

verbalcupcake said...

I realize this isn't really on-topic, but last year, one of my brightest (college) freshmen was a hard core believer in the Illuminati. So you can see why I gave up and am no longer teaching.

Tommy Boy said...

Love this blog post! Pretty humorous.....but did you know that there is a "Frisco" in Texas?

And my point is..........(well don't really have one, just idle chatter) Anyway....


http://maps.google.com/maps?q=Frisco,+Tx&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hq=&hnear=Frisco,+TX&gl=us&ei=uKfJTJXKB5KasAPc2dXfDg&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=image&resnum=1&ved=0CCYQ8gEwAAan

Tamagosan said...

UGH Looks like good ol' CW copied you. He couldn't decide whether to be snarky and sarcastic or light-hearted and fun. And so it really, really sucks.

Drive through Golden Gate Park! Go to Sausalito for the real SF experience! GROSS: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/10/28/BAU41G2SU3.DTL

bmw2008 said...

We need to tell Texans to keep their oil companies on a short leash and stop trying to change California law from Houston.

Texas Oil Co's, Valero and Tesoro, were sent home packin' with their tails between their legs after grassroots efforts to convince the public the Prop 23 is a bad idea that only benefits them.

So, go home Texas Oil companies, and stay there

Chris said...

Do you really need to further SF's reputation as a mecca for smug, cooler-than-thou dicks? I guess you do...so you go girl!

Dr. Ryan said...

Giants fans smoking a blunt on the news this morning: http://www.ktvu.com/video/25559893/index.html

SC said...

This is the funniest thing out there on the game. Too bad no tips on those friendly women on Larkin street who actually are - oh never mind. They're Texans and won't know the difference.

Tamagosan said...

@Dr Ryan: Thanks for the link!

As they said in the KTVU vid, all smokers that day were medicinal users and for Responsible Use, but I have to take issue with that one guy's blunt. Really, it's the World Series and you're running up the side and having trouble staying lit? Just sayin'.

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