Now, I could get into MS or MSA or whatever the American soccer league is called but that's both boring and not nearly pretentious enough. No, the only answer for Coastal Elites such as myself is to get into the English Premier League, which accomplishes the twin goals of being inaccessible and foreign. It's kind of like being a fan of New Zealand new wave or Icelandic food.
SO THAT BEING SAID now I need to pick a team. I was vaguely following Chelsea the last time I had this impulse, because I wanted my team to always sort of be in the running, and Chelsea always seem to do OK. I gather that they're universally loathed by supporters* of other teams and they have an owner everyone hates so I guess they're the Cowboys of soccer. That's a strike against them. But I like the color blue, so that's a for. Plus, look at this adorable baby soccer
[* You call soccer fans "supporters," not "fans." Also, you don't call it "soccer," you call it "football." Also, they sell liquor in vending machines.]
Then there's Manchester United. They win all the time! They won in 2013, 2011, 2009, 2008, 2007, and on and on and on. That's boring.
Arsenal would be a good choice because I happen to know they have a violently active local fan base that gets up at 3 a.m. or something to watch matches at a bar in North Beach. Morning drinking is always welcome but I just can't even with that.
What about Everton! Everton is appealing because of the presence of Tim Howard, the amazing American goalkeeper who almost singlehandedly beat Belarus or Belgium or whoever.
But Everton never wins anything. That would be no fun, to follow a team all season (or whatever they call a season) knowing you're not going to win. (They won the FA Cup in 1995 but that's a long time ago. Also who cares.)
The Wife likes Tottenham Hotspur mostly because she likes to say "Tottenham Hotspur." She grew up in Ireland, so she was more into rugby and hurling, which I've still never figured out but involves a ball and some sticks and is apparently extremely dangerous.
Liverpool would be nice because the Beatles are from Liverpool.
There's a bunch of others but I'm already tired of this. I'm sticking with Chelsea. It's like being stuck in a dead-end job at a gas station: I'm not particularly in love with it, but I already have the jacket.