Walgreens now is equipped with devices programmed by Top Researchers designed to create a state of anger and longing that will prompt you to buy more Wal-profen or Wal-diazepene next time you're in Walgreens. Devious, but effective. These Torture Boxes look like this:
|Photo courtesy of Mike Mozart, who appears to be borderline obsessed with chain stores and consumer products, which I salute and endorse.|
1. Swipe your Walgreens card YEAH RIGHT like you carry it around with you. I don't know if I ever had one. Enter your phone number instead. You want savings, don't you?
2. This is my fave: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR RECEIPT? With FOUR FUCKING AVAILABLE OPTIONS. I've never stuck around to read them all but I assume besides "printed receipt" and "email receipt" the other 2 are "BEAM IT TELEPATHICALLY INTO MY ASSISTANT'S BRAIN" and "written in the stars."
3. Would you like to donate to Juvenile Something Something Something? This is now the third step and we are nowhere near getting chocolate covered raisins into our face hole.
4. Would you like cash back today?
OMG WALGREENS STOP. This reminds me of an unfunny anecdote. When paying by debit first appeared back in the early 90's I was new to the concept and gave it a shot at, of all places, the Carl's Jr in Mountain View. So I slid my card through and all and the lady behind the counter whose first language was not English said "KAZBAK!!!" And I was like "I'm sorry?" And she said "KAZBAK!!!!" And I figured out she was saying "Cash back?" Oh.
No, I don't want kazbak. I'm at a Walgreens with 20 angry office people behind me. Let's not start banking together, Walgreens.
5. OK SLIDE YOUR CARD!!!!
Now we're getting somewhere.
6. ENTER PIN!!!
I'm on this.
7. Would you like cash back today?
OH MY FUCKING GOD WALGREENS I THOUGHT WE SETTLED THIS
Hand to God this happened today. This Walgreens credit card terminal has as its LIFE MISSION to make sure EVERYONE who might want cash has ample opportunity to get it.
I finally got my stuff. Walgreens, stop it.