Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Checking out at Walgreens is now an unending Kafkaesque nightmare

It used to be so easy to buy something at Walgreens!  You exchanged cash for your dry goods and went on your way, back to your telegraph shoppe to have a tincture and a linotype.  NO MORE.

Walgreens now is equipped with devices programmed by Top Researchers designed to create a state of anger and longing that will prompt you to buy more Wal-profen or Wal-diazepene next time you're in Walgreens.  Devious, but effective.  These Torture Boxes look like this:

Photo courtesy of Mike Mozart, who appears to be borderline obsessed with chain stores and consumer products, which I salute and endorse.
Checking out at Walgreens is now a 22-step process that reminds me of getting a home loan but is less fun.  I recently traveled to my Regular Walgreens on Van Ness (hi guys!) and to spend $7 on some chocolate covered raisins and beef jerky.  In order to leave said Walgreens with said items, here's what you have to do:

1. Swipe your Walgreens card YEAH RIGHT like you carry it around with you.  I don't know if I ever had one.  Enter your phone number instead.  You want savings, don't you?

2. This is my fave:  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR RECEIPT?  With FOUR FUCKING AVAILABLE OPTIONS.  I've never stuck around to read them all but I assume besides "printed receipt" and "email receipt" the other 2 are "BEAM IT TELEPATHICALLY INTO MY ASSISTANT'S BRAIN" and "written in the stars."

3. Would you like to donate to Juvenile Something Something Something?  This is now the third step and we are nowhere near getting chocolate covered raisins into our face hole.

4. Would you like cash back today?

OMG WALGREENS STOP.  This reminds me of an unfunny anecdote.  When paying by debit first appeared back in the early 90's I was new to the concept and gave it a shot at, of all places, the Carl's Jr in Mountain View.  So I slid my card through and all and the lady behind the counter whose first language was not English said "KAZBAK!!!" And I was like "I'm sorry?" And she said "KAZBAK!!!!" And I figured out she was saying "Cash back?" Oh.

No, I don't want kazbak.  I'm at a Walgreens with 20 angry office people behind me.  Let's not start banking together, Walgreens.

5. OK SLIDE YOUR CARD!!!!

Now we're getting somewhere.

6. ENTER PIN!!!

I'm on this.

7. Would you like cash back today?

OH MY FUCKING GOD WALGREENS I THOUGHT WE SETTLED THIS

Hand to God this happened today.  This Walgreens credit card terminal has as its LIFE MISSION to make sure EVERYONE who might want cash has ample opportunity to get it.

I finally got my stuff.  Walgreens, stop it.

10 comments:

GG said...

I was scrolling through my RSS feed too quickly and read "chocolate-covered beef jerky," so thank you for killing off my appetite for the remainder of the afternoon.

Annie said...

Amen! I wondered if you'd ever write about this... The best part is that the employees can by-pass the moronic "How would you like your receipt?" prompt and just give you a paper receipt. Which adds a whole other level of WTF to its purpose. I go to the Walgreen's next door to my office just about every other day and I just learned that the sweet lady who checks me out every time has been skipping that prompt for me out of the goodness of her heart. She gets it.

TK said...

Frighteningly real.

Stephen said...

I use cash and none of this happens to me. DISRUPT.

Rachel said...

UGH yes just dealt with this yesterday.
I feel your pain.

And why ask me for my Walgreen's card when I refill my Clipper?
I don't get it.

Stay strong, TK.

Mike Mozart said...

Thanks for choosing my Creative Commons Picture! I am Obsessed!

canolive said...

I've now begun muttering to myself with increasing incredulity with every step, with the nice Walgreens people staring blankly just waiting for me to finish hitting buttons so they can say, "be well."

J. Larocque said...

OhmygodYES! The machine always asks for my number more than once, then blips off to another prompt before I can finish typing it in for the second time. I never use my stupid points anyway. I'm thinking of just telling them I don't have an account. Or can I just cash in all my points for Wal-diazepene?

Alissa said...

I have addressed this issue with the employees at my local Walgreens (aka the one next to my law school's library) and discovered that they seem to hate it more than we do. It confuses and frustrates the customers who then take it out on the clerks, because people are assholes. They have to deal with every transaction taking longer and people being bigger jerks than usual. I've started paying with cash.

Stoney said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has noticed this.