Reader N. writes:
where is this weeks bachelorette blog? I love love love your recaps, as does my mom and all our friends who watch every monday.
That's very nice of you, Reader N.! And Reader N.'s Mom. If I knew Mom was reading, I wouldn't have made all those drug jokes. I DON'T DO DRUGS, N'S MOM, I JUST KNOW ABOUT THEM FROM READING TIME MAGAZINE. Anyway, actually, my plan was to take this season off, you know, and just kind of chill and regroup and not have to worry about it. You may not know this, but it's a lot of work! First I have to pour myself a large vodka. Then I have to watch the TV show and take notes that say things like "Did she just say life changing again? STUPID." or "Hahahaha big head" or "I'm drunk hold me". Then the next morning I have to figure out what I wrote and then transcribe it into some kind of coherent narrative. And then liberally sprinkle in drug jokes. So you see it requires a not-inconsequential amount of effort.
But I'll tell you what. I'll think about it. I did watch the pilot and one thing I could say is that they have obviously run out of First Tier candidates because this crew makes the Monday day shift at an Abercrombie & Fitch in a mall in Des Moines look like the Manhattan Project. I thought the guy who looks like a 1920's FBI Wanted poster come to life was bad but then there was the Rape Datist who kept trying to lure Dezzie into his Faux Fantasy Silence of the Lambs Suite and the ER doc from Berkeley who I hope they don't let operate on the Real Patients because he seemed a little challenged or maybe just drunk and also a guy who wasn't wearing a shirt and grinned maniacally and a guy who seems like he may have had a traumatic brain injury and offers high-fives to randoms in the street. I could go on.
Point being that if this the best crop they could muster, I'm glad because that means they're almost around to me and then I'll get to be on the show. And then around the time we get to Borneo or whatever, Chris Harrison will gravely tell Dez that he has learned of some very troubling information and will produce The Wife and Baby Beyonce and Dez will tearfully ask me if I'm still in love with her and I'll say "Who, the baby?" and she'll say "No, your wife!" and I'll say "Yeah, totally," and then I'll have to leave the show.
Oh, it's also my wedding anniversary today, speaking of The Wife. Happy Anniversary, The Wife! Thanks for putting up with me and also the baby and stuff. You're aces.
OK, I'm rambling. I guess I might do it. Stay tuned.