Thursday, August 23, 2012

What's going on with the Top 3 songs in the country right now?

I don't listen to the radio much or ingest music however kids today get it. I don't even know how they get it. They haven't played music on the MTV since Carly Rae Jepsen was a fetus and I thought radio was a dead medium so I don't know how songs make it into the Billboard Hot 100 anyway. I think it's all ringtones now or something. Anyway, from time to time I like to check it out and see what's popular these days and then make fun of it.

So these are the Top 3 songs in America right now. Let's find out about them!

(Incidentally, #4 is the now-ubiquitous "Call Me Maybe" by the aforementioned no-longer-fetal CRJ, a song that has so thoroughly penetrated the collective consciousness of This Nation that even I, crusty veteran that I am, have heard it hundreds of times. And I will even admit, it's a perfectly fine pop song, just like many others of its ilk.)

The Number One Song in America today is the lengthily-titled "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Kennedy Wedding Crasher Taylor Swift.

TS was once a country artist! This is not a country song in any sense of the word. It's more or less the current prototype Pop Hit - essentially pointless verses that are just there to space out the BIG SOARING CHORUSES. Do you know why all pop hits today sound the same? Because, like this song, they are all co-written by Max Martin. He wrote or co-wrote everything from "I Want It That Way" to "Since U Been Gone" to basically every Katy Perry hit. So if you ever wonder why every song sounds the same, you have this crazy fucking Swede to thank for it.

Anyway, WANEGBT is fine. Glossy, shimmery, instantly forgettable. It's no Call Me Maybe! TAKE THAT, TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU SOCIAL CLIMBING BITCH. Oh, sorry. I'm sure you're very sweet.

Number Two is "Whistle," by Flo Rida.

This is terrible. And it took 6 people to write it!

Here are some sample lyrics: "Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby? Let me know / Girl I’m gonna show you how to do it and we start real slow / You just put your lips together and you come real close / Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby?" WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANS BY THAT?

Anyway, let's move on. The Number Three song in America is "Lights," by Ellie Goulding. My first thought was "Who the fuck is Ellie Goulding?"

Oh, she's British, apparently. Anyway, this is fine, I guess. Hmmm, it might be a little catchy, actually. It's a lot better than that Flo Rida song, anyway.

In other Top 100 News, that fucking Gotye song has dropped to #11, there's a song with the kinda genius title "Truck Yeah" by Tim McGraw, apparently on hiatus from kicking foreign ass, at #59, and a lot of people like to have other people "featuring" on their songs.

This concludes this week's investigation into the Top 3 Songs.


Reader Stoney asks: "Is "Flo Rida" pronounced like 'Ore-Ida,' the manufacturer of Tater Tots?"



Tamagosan said...

The only way I know about any of the songs the kids listen to is through my kid brother. It always leans a bit to the dance-y or whatever they call gay club music now. Last song he was humming was Call Me Maybe, so maybe I need to have him update me more regularly.

I am disappointed that Ellie Goulding did not give a writing credit her wind machine.

Stoney said...

Is "Flo Rida" pronounced like "Ore-Ida," the manufacturer of Tater Tots?

Anonymous said...

I had managed to go months without hearing "Call Me Maybe." I was really proud and listed it as a skill on my resume. But then the song was played on "So You Think You Can Dance," so I had to delete it off my resume.

I am almost completely ignorant of new music, and I can't remember the last time I saw a music video. Also, I am old.

Stephen said...

I still have not heard Call Me Maybe.

Skance said...

UGH. Fuck Taylor Swift and her childish, spoiled brat oeuvre, where EVERY song is about how Jake Gyllenhall dropped her ice cream cone, or that one Jonas brother stopped taking her calls or whatever. Her whole 'precious' thing makes me want to stab her multiple times. In her stupid horse mouth. Save all this boring 'revenge through insipid pop songs' for your My Little Pony diary instead of inflicting it upon the masses. HATE. And I'm calling it now that her next song is titled 'Hyannisport Heartbreaker'.

Tamagosan said...

I have been kind of a Taylor Swift apologist ever since reading this New Yorker story:

The Kennedy thing is super annoying, though...

Rocco said...

I LOVE CALL ME MAYBE!!!!! :) :) :)
also, LOL skance.

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