Thursday, August 9, 2012

Story ideas for Bold Italic

OK, Bold Italic, I've been reading for a while and I'm ready to suggest some ideas for a FOUND LOCAL or BOLD LOCAL or whatever the person is who writes this stuff. Here's a couple of concepts just off the top of my head that I think will fit right in. GET AT ME.

Animals of San Francisco Neighborhoods

I know, you're starting to run out of ways to publish the same tired stereotypes of SF neighborhoods over and over, but we can still do it! In this piece, a 24-year-old white person who's lived in SF for 2 years will anthropomorphize an animal for each SF neighborhood. Like, the Tenderloin Rat can have a crack pipe! Oh, fuck, that is funny. And the Marina Minx will be leaning against a BMW! Fuck, this shit writes itself. And the Bayview Badger....uh, never mind.

Illustration: Cartoon of The Chinatown Chipmunk, with slanted eyes and a pink bag and a coolie hat! HAHAHAHA SO CUTE.

Bring Out Your Dead

A chick with a bird tattoo will interview SF funeral directors, who will be confused by questions about artisanal embalming and whether they serve single-batch bourbons at wakes.

Illustration: Cartoon of two dead hipsters with X's for eyes.

Night Crawlers

A chick with a chest piece will interview a confused Lithuanian cabdriver about what it's like to drive a cab on the overnight shift in SF. "I pick up fare, I drop off fare," he says to the clearly disappointed just-out-of-J-school interviewer.

Illustration: Cartoon of a cab catching air going over a hill with a full moon in the background.

Now What Is That You Do Again? Accountant? What Does That Mean?

A dude with a lot of tattoos who works as a barista and is in a folk-metal band and is also a "writer" interviews six San Franciscans with regular jobs who get up in the morning and go to work and then come home and take care of their families and have never heard of underground dining clubs or Hard French.

Illustration: Cartoon of the writer staring incredulously at one of the interviewees after he says he's never been to the Hideout at Dalva.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

A chick with severe bangs will enter the shadowy world of DIY heart surgery and talk to "Boris" and "Natasha," two locals who have rejected Big Medicine in favor of operating at home.

Illustration: Cartoon of the the old "Operation" game with a map of SF where all the organs are

7 comments:

Greg said...

brilliant. and also likely to happen.

don't forget their obsession naming phony "microhoods" that sound like neighborhoods in New York City.

Amber and Scott said...

HILARIOUS.

Jessica said...

This is the best blog post of all time. The Bold Italic needs to pack up its markers and go home before they find themselves illustrating rehashed versions of C.W. Nevius's column.

Rachel said...

YES PLEASE!
Love this.
Some folks have designed posters with animals for every hood, by the way, I remember being unhappy with their Richmond district choice.

GG said...

Brilliant.

thesoniashow said...

Love this!

I think you should do a series of posts in which you stereotype all the San Francisco publications and create illustrations for postcards. Please do the San Francisco Examiner next. Thank you.

Tamagosan said...

Second to last one needs to happen, if only to make me feel better.