The Bachelorette: This Is Terrible

Boy, and here I thought Ben from last go-round was bland and featureless, but I have to say Emz makes him look like a ADD kid judging an espresso contest. This is going to be an even tougher season to get through, and that's saying something. So anyway, might as well get to it.

First solo date with Ryan and his mental patient haircut. Seriously, what in the FUCK was he thinking coming on national television with that Sling-Blade-meets-Japanese-teen getup? He feels that this date will feature something "incredibly special, like a plane ride," and that about sums about Ryan's level right there. LOOKIE A PLANE WHOOOOSH UP IN THE SKY. Sorry, Ryan, no PLANE YAY for you. Instead we'll be making cookies at Em's house! Because she is the Snack Mom this week! Ryan's game right up until the apron challenges his sexuality and he looks visibly uncomfortable because this is Girl Stuff. Yucky! Later, he will sit in the car and watch the kids from a distance as Em delivers the goods. This couldn't get any creepier if he were wearing dark sunglasses and a trench coat. Both of them have the personality of a box turtle and this makes watching paint dry seem like a Michael Bay film called PAINT: THE WATCHING and it would star Nicholas Cage and Samuel L. Jackson locked in a paint-watching duel TO THE DEATH.

For the nighttime portion, Em dresses up like a Bellagio hooker for a "fun night out" in Charlotte. Based on what we've seen of Charlotte, this probably entails church bingo and then a stopoff at the Sonic. No, wait, they're off to a deserted restaurant to have an EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING talk about relationships and whatever. He gets the Please Kill Me If This Doesn't End Soon Rose and then they pop outside in time to catch something called "Gloriana" who are basically a low-rent Lady Antebellum, ugh, I can't believe I can actually make that reference, and then they dance on a raised platform while the crowd around them rapturously takes cell phone video of them. What the fuck is going on in America these days.

Ready to have the Muppets ruined for you forever? Then come along on this group date, where Em and a bunch of losers will put on a show to raise money for some fake charity that The Bachelorette people probably just created. Oh look, it's Kermit and Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy has really turned into a kind of psychotic bitch. One second she's coming on to all the dudes and the next second she's all threatening to cut a bitch when Emily is hitting on Kermit. Whore. So there's this whole thing with Brain Injury Charlie and apparently he got the stage fright real bad and so instead of making him one of the dancers or something they put him in the Fake Talk Show segment where everyone will be watching him and he is the focus of attention so nice job with that ADA accommodation, producers. Whatever, I cannot talk about this variety show thing any more, it is so painful.

Nighttime portion. Here we have Tony, the "lumber salesman." I conclude Tony is the Secret Gay this season.



Come on, Tony.

Meanwhile, what the fuck is Dacron wearing? He looks like J. Crew threw up on Miami Vice.



Now she's buttering him up too! In fact, she tells fucking EVERYONE how good-looking they are! Even the guy with no chin and a lazy eye! Everybody gets the "You are so good-looking" treatment. Even Hadron! Speaking of which, he is pretty much Ryan Phillippe's character from "Cruel Intentions" come to life, but less good-looking and a little more fey. Eventually, Boy Band Hair Jef gets the I Can't Even Believe I Got This Rose.

Another solo date, this time with Joe, surprise, she thinks he's "really cute" too, even though he has wind tunnel hair and a flat face. They're off to West Virginia by private jet, not by Greyhound or hitchhiking with a Megan's Law registrant like most people get to West Virginia. Oh, they're going to the Greenbrier, which is actually totally famous and got 4.5 stars on TripAdvisor. She's looking for a "spark" but good luck because this guy is DOA, personality-wise. Like "Where do you want to be in five years?" she goes and he goes "Happy," like wow, dude, great fucking answer, really had to dig deep for that one, huh. THANK GOD she kicks him off and now he can go back to boring the women of the Greater Los Angeles Basin.

Back to the Dazzling Lights of Charlotte for our Cocktail Party. The highlight of this is Sling Blade presenting Emz with a handwritten like 15-page fucking letter on college ruled notebook paper that he insists she read RIGHT THEN and it's all blah blah blah we had funz u r a sweet ladee and Tony has to stand off to the side while she agonizingly reads the whole fucking thing. Ugh, I'm starting to think Ryan is a bigger douche than Krylon. Speaking of, Sav-On and his prosthetic lower lip appear and he does whatever his version of trying to impress her is, and we learn he came with Louis Vuitton luggage, which seems about right.

Rose Ceremony. Some guy with a ponytail gets to stay, ugh. And Charlie! Aw. Oh, and 'Party MC Stevie." LOL. Two guys we don't know get the boot. They are the Lucky Ones. We have been left behind.