The Bachelor: You are fucking this up, dude

For whatever reason, ABC has decided to take this traveling shitshow to Switzerland, possibly because we have exhausted our island/tropical destinations or maybe just to infuse the EU with some American TV cash. In any case, Our Journey begins with Ben Flathair being shown to a First Class seat on Swissair, where he can gaze meaningfully out the window and burn 10 minutes recapping everything he did with the Final Three. Yawn. During this reverie, he refers to Courtney as a "little nerdy," which is patently ridiculous.

Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.

Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.

Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.

For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.

It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.

Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.



Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.

OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.

OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.

Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.