The Bachelor: Let's Get Weird(er)

Panama! We're in Panama City for some reason. Probably because Haiti was too expensive. Oh look, Trump has some kind of resort thing, if resorting in Panama City sounds like fun to you. BUT BE WARNED: "NYGypset" says it has "Strange stale smell in the lobby areas, your guest room, bed linens." Maybe that's just Courtney!

We begin with a solo date with Kacie B. Another helicopter ride. I'm not kidding guys, helicopter rides are to the Bachelor franchise what straight lines are to Mondrian. Did you get that? I'm trying to class this joint up a little. Oh, just forget it. Anyway, they get dropped off on SAN BLAS with just their wits and a machete and a camera crew to sustain them for the next 15 minutes. San Blasé, more like. BAM!!! Kacie is told to bring 3 things and doesn't bring any food. WE'LL KNOW WHY SHORTLY. FORESHADOWING. She opines that "a lot of times, couples don't survive when they're just the two of them alone." I have no idea what that means. They head out into the water to try and catch a fish and Ben thinks that "if we can accomplish something like this together, we can probably do anything." Oh Jesus Christ. You're fake-fishing on TV, you're not the mushroom hunters who almost ate their dog. Try accomplishing something a little more challenging like parking in North Beach on a Saturday night or watching an explosive new episode of "Castle."

Outdoor Dinner, of course. ABC hates to see people eating indoors. Kacie says "a lot of things that have made me who I am are tough to talk about." OK HERE WE GO!!! Please please please drug problem drug problem drug problem no whammies drug problem OH FUCK EATING DISORDER. That's just fucking great. Chick was bulimic for a year. I've had drinking binges longer than that. FUCKING YAWN. Anyway, I guess it explains why she never touches her food.



She gets the Calorie Counter Rose and I'm guessing she's going to be in the Final Four. Just a hunch.

Group date. Let me preface this by saying this was one of the most painful Ugly American things I have ever seen on the Bach, and that includes painting that fucking orphanage in Africa. So we're tooling down a jungle river and we come upon some kids playing soccer who lead us to their Village of Savages where Courtney gets mostly naked and dances around with a black bar over her chest and everyone else gives her dirty looks. I really fucking hate Courtney, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the less said about this little exercise in cross-cultural pollination the better.

Nighttime brings drinks by the pool, like it always does. Lindzi's looking horsey as ever. Jamie finally gets some screen time and she's blah blah blahing away as Courtney disrobes in the background. I swear to God, that bitch cannot keep her fucking clothes on. Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose and Courtney is SO MAD she sucks her lizard lips up into her rocky skull.


Deathmatch Date with Rachel and Blake!!! They're off the learn SALSA, Dance of Love. Our instructor reminds us that "da most impohrta think ees that eet ees SEXAH!!!!!" Rachel thinks there's "chemico" between them. Argh! Somebody get the face wash then! Jesus Christ, get it off me! Blake dry humps Ben and the whole thing is quite off-putting. Later, after a Mildly to Very Awkward Dinner, Blake has something to show him. DON'T DO IT GIRL. Any time somebody has something to show someone on this show, it turns out badly! KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Oh no. Here it comes. It's a little Stalker Scrapbook of collages cut out of magazines all about her love for him! F U C K I N G. W E I R D.



In a related story, Rachel gets the You're Not That Weird Rose and Blake is escorted to the Crying Minivan. That creepy notebook did it, Blakely. Try not to be so weird next time.

Now we have some time to fill so Chris Harrison generates a little drama. It has Come To Our Attention that Casey S. is still in love with her ex Michael! Well, maybe she's not, but CH puts the Hypnotic Voice on her and says "You're still in love with Michael, aren't you?" and Casey S. looks blank and nods and says "YES I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM CHRIS" and Ben and his awful, awful hair think she should leave. She just wants someone to marry her. Poor thing. As she rides off in the Commitment Minivan, she wails "Now I have to find someone else!" Love is mysterious and strange, is it not?

Time for the Cocktail Party. Jamie has apparently decided that she hasn't debased herself nearly enough and so she cranks her desperation up to about 11 and tells Flajnik "When I go to bed at night, I definitely think about the things I'd like to do with you." Hopefully one of them is cutting his fucking ridiculous hair. She then awkwardly mounts him for some kind of lap dance/animal mating thing. It's like she's heard someone describe sex but has never actually seen it done. She's issuing all kinds of instructions about who should keep their mouth open or shut and let's do this and the whole thing is some kind of bizarre spectacle and I don't even know what the fuck is going on here.

Do you really need to know who gets cut? I mean, duh, Jamie. I guess her strategy was to lay low for the first few weeks and then BAM explode in a Fireball of Humiliation. Well, that didn't work. Nothing that a few years of therapy can't fix. That's what I always say.