There have been bad Bachelor/ette seasons and BAD seasons and REALLY BAD seasons but this is now officially the worst. We've seen some lame-ass dudes and chicks on this show, but this group of barely functioning jellyfish is so lifeless and inert they make a coma patient look like a spider monkey. Thankfully it will all be over soon and we can begin to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and maybe watch Big Brother instead, which is starting to look like a Merchant Ivory production next to this crap.
Oh look, we're in Taiwan! Ashley Chipmunk informs us that it is known as "the hidden jewel of Asia because not a lot of people know about it." That's right, Ashley!! Never heard of it!! Now how do you say it again? TIE WON? TIE WANE? Say it one more time for us! We will begin with a Solo Date with Constantine the Pumpkinhead, in which we will take an old-timey train to an "adorable little village." YOU BE CUTE FOR ASHLEY YOU VILLAGERS. Oh see, we're painting Dream Lanterns. You paint your wish on it and hope it comes true. I put "A Quick and Painless Death" on mine! Fly, Dream Lantern, fly! This is followed by the Standard Outdoor Dinner/Relationship Talk and Chipmunk wants to know why he's not in love with her yet. That's not normal! Then they release their Dream Lanterns and it's romantic and they make out and whatever.
Next we have a Solo Date with Ben from Sonoma. They hop on a moped and immediately go the wrong way up the street, in an act of EERIE SYMBOLISM AND FORESHADOWING.
OH SHIT HE JUST CALLED HER "KIDDO." What are you, her crazy confirmed bachelor uncle with a brightly colored scarf? "Kiddo"? He drives the dorkped to the Next Outdoor Dinner and they talk about going to Sonoma maybe and he casually mentions something about "dropping the L-bomb" and I wish he would stop talking like that.
Group Date! Taiwan is famous for wedding photos! Who knew! So let's all go do the least fun part of any wedding and get faux wedding photos done! You have outdone yourself on the Wild and Fun Ideas, ABC! It goes over about as well as you'd expect. Then, in a Shocking Change of Pace, we have Indoor Dinner instead of Outdoor Dinner and then a little facetime with all the losers. Ames has brought family pictures! He is one weird fucking guy. Chipmunk calls him "unique" which is code for "Just Arrived Here on Earth and Still Trying to Figure It Out." JP is still pissed that she's Seeing Other People. You should hit her now and show her who's boss! He gets the Please Don't Hurt Me Rose and is in the Final 4.
Solo Date with Ryan! Everybody hates Ryan because he's like the Student Council President. Remember that guy? That's Ryan. After walking around an outdoor temple where Chipmunk says "Isn't this amazing?" about a million times they sit down for a picnic by a water feature and BOOM here comes Ryan turning on the romance with a half-hour seminar on TANKLESS WATER HEATERS. FASCINATING. Ashley looks like she wants to cut herself and is visibly distraught by this lecture on environmentally responsible plumbing and finally just lets him go. THANK GOD. Ryan ducks behind some bushes and has a panic attack, then wanders the streets of Taiwan looking melancholy. Whoa, he doesn't even get the Loser Limo! He gets the Loser Cab! Bonne chance, you fucking weirdo.
Time for the Pre-Rose Cocktail Party. Oh wait, she's bagging it again! Man, she keeps doing that! Who do you have to fuck to get a Pre-Rose Cocktail Party around here? Anyway, she says she knows who she's gonna cut. My money is on Spaceman Ames. Right on cue, he says to his fellow bros "The situation's pretty grave." Like, who the fuck talks like that? I mean, besides advisers to the President in those movies where Bill Pullman's the President?
OK, here we go. Rest of the Final Four. Pumpkinhead. Ben from Sonoma. AMES! What! You have got to be kidding me!! Lucas is kind of a dud, but AMES! Oh well. I am actually looking forward to meeting his family so we can figure out what happened there. Awww, poor Lucas just wants "someone I can cook breakfast for." You should get a job at Denny's! It would be like paradise for you! So there you go.
Then we have a little interview with Emily from last season. Chris Harrison begins with the Understatement of the Century: "Some of the couples who have gotten together on our show have not stayed together." NO FUCKING WAY. REALLY. Anyway, Emily, who is in full porn star makeup, cries a lot and really doesn't explain why she and Brad broke up but maybe getting engaged after 4 dates on a TV show has something to do with it. Who knows?