Friday, February 18, 2011

Things I learned from watching 48 Hours Mystery

I love me some 48 Hours Mystery. I figured out why they're so compelling: they basically adapted the familiar tropes of the one-hour crime drama to Real Life Stories. So each episode starts out with a murder (usually pretty early on) and then there are a number of twists and turns and the perp gets arrested and we see the trial and maybe sometimes talk to the jurors who, as it turns out, I usually wouldn't trust to vacuum my car at the Divisadero Touchless Car Wash, much less decide whether I go to Death Row.

They also have kickass titles. Like, if someone hired their gardener to kill their wife, the episode would be GARDEN OF DEATH. Or if the director of the Rose Parade got murdered, it would be all DEATH ON PARADE. You get the idea. It's pretty badass, actually.

Oh, and there's Keith Morrison. I can't really describe Keith Morrison's unique diction online, but I will say that I do a pretty killer Keith Morrison impression. Here's a clip that will give you an idea of Keith's charms:

ANYWAY, from watching repeated episodes, I have learned a few lessons that will be invaluable to you if you are ever suspected of murder. (Or, as Keith Morrison would say, "Suspected. Of Murder.")

1. No matter how you act at the crime scene when the cops first arrive, it will be regarded as "unusual" or suspicious. Being too calm is suspicious, but so is being too upset. Crying and carrying on is suspicious, but if you aren't emotional, that's very suspicious.

2. Resist the urge to take out life insurance on your spouse. If your spouse is ever murdered, the fact that you have life insurance on him or her will be your ticket to a lethal injection.

3. The more soccer-Momish a woman seems, the more likely she is to have a secret double life involving S&M or pills.

4. Taking a lie detector test is usually not a very good idea.

5. In the days after your spouse is murdered, don't go on a wild spending spree or go to Hawaii or Mexico with your lover. It doesn't look good. Somebody will notice and it'll probably come up again.

6. Whoever you hire to do the killing will almost always blab to someone. In general, no one can keep their fucking mouth shut.

Fuck, I just realized I write about TV a lot. I should have become a TV critic like Tim Goodman. Then people would like me.


Stoney said...

I'd also say number 1 is even more pronounced in a rural location, where the crusty old cop relies on his "gut" a lot more. Or when there's an ambitious ADA who looks a little like Ann Coulter.

danielle.royster said...

48 Hours Mystery gives me exactly what I need when it comes to watching a good crime show. I've been watching this show for quite some time and I've noticed CBS gives me the best series. I can't get enough of it and sometimes when I can't wait to get home and watch it, I just pull out my phone and watch it from there! I work and subscribe to DISH Network and when I'm at work or out of town, I watch this show and every other show on this channel using the TV Everywhere function in the DISH Remote Access app. The app is free and it let's you watch live or pre-recorded shows from your DVR on your iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch or any Android supported device. I love it and I am always recommending that people come to DISH Network and I am inviting anyone who comes across this post to explore DISH Network and experience a value unseen by any other TV provider!