So we’re off to the tropical isle of Anguilla and the CuisinArt Resort & Spa where the guests learn to dice food into uniform cubes. First we have a Solo Date with Lifetime Emily. The inevitable helicopter arrives to take them, hopefully, to a racecar track. Oh, boo, it’s a private island. Time for Awkward Picnic on the Beach. They have some boring conversation about how pretty it is and then make out. Seriously, both of these lugs are about as interesting as a stick of butter, so maybe they’re perfect for each other. Oblig. dinner on the beach follows. They “liked” their day together! They also like Wonder Bread, mayonnaise, saltines, The Lion King, and clouds. Brad wants to know if he can meet Little Rickie or Rikki or whatever. SPOILER he can, it’s in the promos later in the show. But Lifetime’s all cagey about it. The only damage it could do is that she might get BORED TO DEATH, Emily.
Meanwhile, we are subjected to an ad for “Red Riding Hood” which appears to be a horror movie version of the fairy tale of the same name. WHAT THE FUCK. Really, Hollywood? Next up: “RUMPLESTILSKIN: This Time, It’s Personal.”
Solo Date with the Funeral Director. You guys, sometimes she looks pretty hot and sometimes not. She’s her own personal Hot or Not. They bike around past the poors and then stop at a Totally Spontaneous Farmer’s Market with Steel Drum Band. Shawntel pretends to play dominoes and maybe accidentally just lost 500 Anguilla pounds or rupees or brightly colored beads or whatever they use on Anguilla. Then Crazy Old Voodoo Lady curses them to sit on the grass with huge goblets of red wine and talk. Blah blah blah relationship talk.
Dinner by – wait for it – The Beach!!! More fucking relationship talk. This episode has had by far the most relationship talk and thus, as a guy, has been the most boring for me. Then local legend Bankie Banx shows up to play some reggae mon and also collect on that dominoes money Shawntel owns. He’s gonna dispense a Jamaican necktie on your ass, Shawntel! I just made that up. I don't think there's any such thing as a "Jamaican necktie." The kids escape by swimming in the ocean. You can spot Shawntel by her enormous tramp stamp. That’s not even a tramp stamp. That’s a tramp parcel post. She’s from Chico, what do you want? Getting a tramp stamp is like going to a debutante ball up there.
Solo Date with Britt next. They hitch a ride on a drug cartel kingpin yacht and do a little cliff diving followed by sitting awkwardly next to each other. Clearly Chantal’s been eating Britt’s portions at dinner because girlfriend looks like a few pencils held together by an ugly bikini. Day turns to night on the USS Dumped. Dinner on the fantail features failure loin and socially retarded greens. Britt has less personality than Brad, which means that single-celled bacteria find her “a bit of a bore.” She gets sent off in the dinghy. That’s not a euphemism. Back at Camp Less Dumped Than You, the other chicks console Britt but it is time for her to go.
Group date: posing for swimsuit photos at dawn! It’s every girl’s dream. Chantal regrets eating all of Britt’s food. Ashley and Chantal both pop their tops right the fuck off, but Michelle opts for a little Tongue Time lying on Brad instead and this makes the other 2 sad. Brad knows he fucked up and feels real real real bad. What follows next is the most boring pool party of all time, which consists of Brad and the chicks talking about feelings feelings feelings feelings and everyone cries. Ashley won’t stop blubbering so she gets the Please Stop Crying Rose. That’s a real thing, I know cause I’m a guy.
Time for the Cocktail Party but HOLY SHIT BRAD CANCELS THE COCKTAIL PARTY. In the world of The Bachelor, this news is treated like Kelsey Grammer became the next president of Egypt. After the shock wears off, we proceed straight to the Rose Ceremony. Lifetime Emily, duh, then Funeral Director, and it’s down to Chantal and Michelle. WHOA, he kicked off Crazy Michelle. Surprisingly, she does not murder everyone there including the crew, but silently leaves, plotting how she will kill Brad.
Family visits next week! You know that’s my fave!