True stories behind the SF Appeal crime reports

Crime reports courtesy of, naturally, the SF Appeal.

Wednesday, 8/11/10

1:25pm: A man was at a bus stop on the 3200 block of 19th Ave. with friends when he was reportedly approached by three men and robbed at gunpoint. There were no injuries and no arrests have been made.

We move quickly, quietly. We are the wind. We know the 28 bus never, ever comes, so our victims will be there. "Hail, there, fellow traveler! Now then, unburden yourself of your valuables, lest ye be as damaged and lame as the Muni bus you wait for." We disappear into the fog. Injuries are for amateurs.

3:18pm: A woman was reportedly robbed at 808 Brannan St. by two people. The suspects allegedly drove up on motorcycles & stole two shopping bags containing jewelry. An arrest was made and there were no injuries.

The motorcycle is a mosquito of crime; we use it to buzz our victim, extract our lifeblood, and fly erratically away before she can slap us. Two shopping bags containing jewelry! Two shopping bags of delicious blood. You cannot arrest the wind.

3:30pm: A man was sitting in his room in the 100 block of South Hill Blvd. when another man reportedly entered his home, punched him, & then covered him with towels. The suspect then allegedly ransacked the house. No arrests were made and there were no injuries.

Long ago, when we began, we often puzzled about how to keep the victim quiet and compliant. It took months before we hit on the answer: towels. For all are powerless before the lure of a freshly-laundered towel, still warm from the dryer. “Robbed?,” they say. “I’m not being robbed. I’m being swaddled in love. Whatever they take, it is a fair price.”

Thursday, 8/12/10

12:45am: A man was riding her bike on eastbound 25th and Alabama when he was approached by four men who reportedly pushed him from his bike and then robbed him. The suspects then fled westbound. No arrests have been made and there were minor injuries.

WHOOPS! That’s your fault, not mine, my friend. Look, you’ve fallen from your bike. Perhaps you did not know this, but any property you lose on the way down belongs to whomever might claim it. This lighter, for example! It is mine now. I must go.

1:10am: A man was walking on Mission & 30 St. and was reportedly robbed and assaulted by four other men. The victim reportedly blacked out and woke up in pain, only to notice that his property was missing. No arrests have been made. The victim sustained non-life threatening injuries and was taken to the hospital.

We have been perfecting the Blackout Device for several years. When completed, we will be able to aim it at the cranium or torso of any walking man and render him Blacked Out for up to 25 minutes. Pending completion of the Blackout Device, we use this sock filled with nickels instead. Our apologies; when the Device is complete, hospital visits will be unnecessary.

12:11pm: A man was reportedly beat up by a man and a woman on the 2000 block of 25th St. The suspects allegedly took the man's jacket and wallet. No arrests have been made and there were minor injuries.

It is hard not to laugh when Griselda beats up a man. "Ho, ho," she chortles, raining blows upon him with her tiny balled fists. They look like persimmons under the flickering streetlamp. We know the man will say “I was beaten by a woman…..oh, AND A MAN.” Griselda and I know the truth.

Friday, 8/13/10

1:02am: A man walked into a liquor store on the 200 block of Valencia St. and reportedly robbed it at gunpoint. An arrest has been made and there were no injuries.

Our mistake was sending Terrence in to do a Nigel job. That mistake will not be repeated, I assure you.