OK, before I get to the mondo weirdness that happened on the Men last night, let me first begin with an unhinged rant about the Claremont Resort and Spa in Berkeley, California.
It goes like this: fuck you, Claremont Resort and Spa. First of all, the room that we got for our discounted rate of $180 was almost smaller than any other hotel room I’ve ever stayed in, including in Lower Manhattan. The only potentially smaller one was in London, and I think it was cheaper. But hey, at least the closet was fucking huge! Should have pulled the bed in there and luxuriated. Also, the fuck is up with the $24 “facility fee”? The facility is the fucking hotel, which I just paid $180 a night for, you jackass. And $24 to park overnight? You guys just love the way “$24” sounds, right, because you just keep adding it. To sum up: blow me.
OK, on to the show. Jane’s brother or cousin or something is trying to get a job. He’s a weird little weasel who puts other people’s ads in his book. He’s an appli-can’t. See what I did there? PA-POW!!! Roger’s funny again and not as racist. “I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean, I guess.” Fucking ZING. How much fun would it be to hang out with Roger at Tosca or Top of the Mark for about an hour? Martinis are on me. Especially if they cost 25 cents like they did in 1965.
Oh, yay, it’s a flashback that doesn’t involve a mule or that goldarn truck that weren’t start or some other Okie shit. No, here we see The Creation Myth, in which Roger comes to Don’s fur store and is very mean to Don! He buys a mink for Joan, whose hair in this flashback is not really all that inspiring. It makes me a little sad. Anyway, Don’s going to totally stalk Roger for a while now. This is how people did it before Facebook. You had to do your stalking in person. Like a man.
One of our main plots this week is Peggy working on the Vick’s campaign with Edgy Art Guy, who you can tell is edgy because he’s wearing a leather jacket. He’s also a fucking tool. Anyway, Pegs and Edgy Art Guy are involved in the weirdest scene so far this season. Now, if I said “Peggy and a guy in a leather jacket and a stupid smirk get naked in a hotel room with some Vick’s Vapo-Rub,” you’d be thinking “safeword,” not “writing some killer copy,” right? But that’s what happens and that’s about it except for some small penis jokes. I wasn’t crazy about this whole plot in general but I’m sure it’s Very Important. Basically any scene without Joan in it bores me a little now.
Here we are at the Clios! The Clios take place in the middle of the day? At least it’s Friday. Oh, there’s Duck! Back on the sauce. That’s the Duck we love. He gives the Clios a good go-around and gets escorted out. Ted Chaouaough shows up with, oddly, a Major General in tow. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could hire Generals to hang around with you and like go to Zeitgeist with you or bowling or whatnot? Anyway, the Sterling Boys win for the so, so weird Glo-Coat ad BUT WAIT we have to rush back to the office because the Life Cereal people are there!
Whoa, everyone is shitty drunk. Don has three hairs out of place so he’s obviously totes wasted. Mikey hasn’t been invented yet or killed in Vietnam so we have to make up a different campaign for Life cereal. Oh, wait, Mikey supposedly died from mixing Pop Rocks and soda. What? That's stupid. Mixing pop rocks and heroin, maybe. Anyway, Don suggests “Life is like a box of chocolates” but everyone looks confused because Tom Hanks isn’t a retard yet. Neither is everyone else who paid to see that P.O.S. Then Don totally steals the Appli-Can’t’s “Cure for the Common Breakfast” business and everyone loves it. This means they have to hire that little fuck. Wow, is he ever small! Small like a fox. Wait, that doesn’t mean anything. I shouldn’t inhale these Glo-Coat fumes.
Next we see Don and Roger and Joan in their Native Environment, which is a bar. Faye shoots down Don. He has Lost His Mojo and now has to sleep with the Cake Mix Girl to get it back. Roger almost picks a fight with General Demeanor, who points to his Ass-Kicking Ribbons and then has to leave because Ted’s leaving. But wait! Don obviously goes on some kind of bender because he goes to bed with Cake Mix but wakes up with Doris the Waitress who calls him “Dick.” Capital-D Dick. What the fuck happened here? Don is clearly Out of Control.
We wrap up the whole flashback thing with Don showing up for work and telling Roger that he said “Welcome aboard” when Roger said no such thing. This is just like on Seinfeld when George just showed up to work after Mr. Tuttle never told him whether he got the job or not! Except that George doesn’t spend all day drinking and banging waitresses. That would have made Seinfeld much, much better, though.
You know how people are giving their kids old-fashioned names like Rose and Mabel and Hazel? Dottie still hasn’t caught on yet, has it? Maybe this episode will do the trick! Gertrude’s not coming back either. Oh well.