Friday, July 10, 2009

These Are the Things I Can Do Without #114, 115

#114: Personal Space Invaders

You've got the whole train to be in, homeboy, do you have to stand directly on top of me? What is it about this particular one square foot that's so beguiling?

According to Important Scientific Research, Americans prefer 18 to 24 inches of personal space. (Digression - I encourage you to click on that link, just to enjoy the truly bizarre picture of the multiculti dance party. You just know that white woman in the dashiki is insufferable.) Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that mass transit is what it is and not everyone can be surrounded by their own personal Happiness Bubble on a crowded commuter train. But dude, when the train is MOSTLY EMPTY, there is no goddam reason why you have to stand RIGHT NEXT TO ME like we're dating.

(Further digression - Apropos of nothing, I highly recommend the Edupass guide to Cultural Differences, which is apparently aimed at students coming to the US for the first time. It is just priceless. For example, we learn in the "Toilets" section that "The words 'loo', 'earth closet', and 'usual offices' will generally not be understood by Americans." Earth closet?!?! AWESOME. But personally, I'm using "usual offices" from now on. How fucking cool is that? "Excuse me, I've got to go to the usual offices.")

Same goes in line at the bank. Feeling your hot breath on the back of my neck is pretty much the last thing I want, and it doesn't make the line move any faster if you're surgically attached to my back. Step off a little.

#115: Personalized License Plates

Oh, CHAD50, we could have just suspected that you were an asshole undergoing a midlife crisis as you cruised by in your Jetstream Blue Metallic Corvette. But you had to go and get a personalized license plate and remove all doubt.

Image courtesy of the indispensible Vanity Plates: Creepiness in 8 Characters or Less

What on Earth would move you to get a vanity plate? Can't you see that by putting 2COOL4U on your tag, you're proving the exact opposite? It's too bad that we can't require the numbnuts who get these things to get plates that actually reflect their real beings, like WATADBAG or IH8DADDY.

1 comment:

Rocco said...

a bit feisty today, are we, homeboy?