The Bachelorette: Entertainment Wrestling is my bag

As we collectively trudge through Week 3, a pall has descended on the Douche Barracks, for it seems that one of their number is Not There for the Right Reasons. The Right Reasons are apparently to appear on TV, try to bang a chick you saw on another TV show, and hopefully get married after about 3 dates. The Wrong Reasons are to benefit your “entertainment wrestling” career. More on this later.

Our first Solo Date tonight is with Roberto, an affable insurance salesman from Charleston. They do exactly what I did on my first date with The Wife, which is to walk on a high wire between two buildings in Downtown L.A. Oh no, wait, our first date was shoplifting 3 cans of Sparks and trying hit pigeons with a slingshot. Same idea, though. After their circus act, they have an intimate dinner on top of a skyscraper. Roberto is dressed like a homeless person who found a suit in the dumpster behind Ross. Amazingly, Roberto can speak Spanish! Ali is awestruck at this development. Who on Earth speaks Spanish!?!?? Amazing. He speaks a “little French and Italian,” too! What are you, from Outer Space? Then they make out.

Time for a Group Date! They get the hint it's going to involve some kind of the Rock And Roll Music like the Kids Like. Deaf Voice Kasey is bummed he's not invited because he "would have loved to go and sing and show Ali my voice a little bit." Believe me, Kasey, the only person who wants to see your voice a little bit is a Demon from the Pits of Hell.

They arrive in some Industrial Wasteland part of L.A. and there’s the Barenaked Ladies! I guess they live under an overpass now. This is some kind of product placement aimed at the Barenaked Ladies’ target audience, which is nobody. They play a new song! Wow, it’s terrible. It’s like if you could put the Goo Goo Dolls in a mchine and make them even worse than they are now. The Barenaked Ladies would be well-advised not to quit their jobs at the car wash. Now look! Ali and the guys are shooting a porno! Oh, wait, it’s a “music video.” The production values aren’t as good as porn. When it comes time for the Weatherman’s scene, he cries because he’s scared to kiss a girl. He’s either Gay or should become Gay. I heard they don’t mind crying in Gay.

Now we’re at a Wrap Party for the video, which also takes place on top of a skyscraper in L.A. I guess they rented this roof and want to get all the use out of it they can. Dead Mother and Ali sit down and he finally comes clean about his dead mother. Oh, look, he’s got her signature tattooed on his chest! I need new words for “CREEPY,” because “CREEPY” alone doesn’t really capture how creepy it is. He also keeps her head in a box! It’s all dried up and shriveled. No, not really, but that’s the only thing that could be any creepier. Then everyone gets in the pool and they all watch the godawful music video. Oh, to have a hairdryer right at that second.

Then it’s daylight again and the Entertainment Wrestler, who has a broken foot from Kicking Ass, I guess, is crutching from Douche Barracks down to Ali’s house. That’s cheating! She’s staying in some faux-Architectual Digest flagstone nightmare. They look at his baby pictures and talk about his Broken Home. Nobody who had a normal childhood would ever be on this show is what I gather. Also, isn’t it weird that he’s described as an “entertainment wrestler”? That means “bachelorette party wrestler,” right?

Jesus, it’s still going on. I always forget it’s 2 hours. OK, solo date with Hunter, who looks vaguely simian. They go to Ali’s House and grill preformed hamburger patties. Another broken home! Ali looks alarmed when Hunter talks about his desire to stay home and not work. That’s what the girl’s supposed to do! What’s wrong with these guys? Wait, this is the first time anyone has appeared on this show not clutching some kind of booze. What gives? Maybe Hunter’s an AA. Anyway, there’s clearly no romantic connection here. They’d be good awkward coworkers, though. Hunter makes a frown with his monkey face and he gets sent home.

Now we see the Big Confrontation between all the guys who are clearly here for the Right Reaons and the Entertainment Wrestler, who’s apparently not. Strong words are exchanged. It’s boring as fuck and not worth talking about. Then some losers are kicked off, including the little guy with the bug eyes who I couldn’t believe was there in the first place. She keeps Wrestler Guy and the Weatherman, who almost starts crying again. How long is that Philly Lawyer with the Fivehead going to be around? He’s less attractive then, well, anybody you might find in the world. Stay tuned next week for more boring crap.

Here is a non-exclusive list of things that have been referred to at some point as the "silent killer," according to a Google search I just did

Hypertension
Ovarian cancer
Aspartame
Diabetes
Coal
GastroIntestinal Stasis
MSG
Hepatitis B
Hepatitis C
Unsafe water
Obesity
Whitespace
Too much sitting
Obama's VAT proposal
Carbon monoxide
Nitrogen
Fluoride
Debt
Bullying
Document metadata
Deep vein thrombosis
Celiac disease
Inhalant abuse
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm
Hybrid vehicles
Network latency
Overwork in Japan
Stress
Stigma
Pneumonia
Kidney disease
Cancer
Tylenol
Marijuana
Inflation
Duct leakage
Suicide
Silence
Electricity
Body dysmorphic disorder

CONCLUSION: Other than a man charging at you screaming and firing a machine gun, everything that could possibly harm you or affect you in any way is a silent killer.

Steve Poizner goes to church

Hey look, everybody! Published liar Steve Poizner, down by 26 points in the Republican gubernatorial primary race, isn't going down without a fight!

Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner pivoted from illegal immigration to social issues today during a campaign stop at the New Harvest Christian Fellowship church in Norwalk.

Wait a minute. Does something seem strange to you?

Poizner doesn't talk much about issues such as gay marriage on the campaign trail but built his short talk around them today. Several people at the giant church said they shared Poizner's professed views opposing gay marriage and abortion rights.

With the church band standing behind him, Poizner started his speech talking about his daughter Rebecca, who graduated from high school over the Memorial Day weekend.

Awww, that's sweet. Don't worry about Rebecca not being able to attend the college of her choice when Dad loses the election. He's a billionaire, so he'll muddle through somehow. But wait, if I'm reading this right, Steve's campaigning in a church! Is that how you read it too?

I don't think you're supposed to do that! What does the IRS say?

Currently, the law prohibits political campaign activity by charities and churches by defining a 501(c)(3) organization as one "which does not participate in, or intervene in (including the publishing or distributing of statements), any political campaign on behalf of (or in opposition to) any candidate for public office."

Sure seems like the New Harvest Christian Fellowship is participating in a political campaign on behalf of a candidate for public office to me. I mean, they gave the guy the church and the congregation, right?

Look, you want to let a professional liar who changes his position on issues whenever it's convenient for the political office he wishes to purchase into your church to talk about gay marriage and studiously avoid talking about his support for the Arizona immigration law since your congregation is mostly Latino, be my guest. You can sacrifice virgins and worship Baal, for all I care. Just pay taxes like everyone else has to.

[** Note that I haven't researched whether the New Harvest Christian Fellowship is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization. If they're not, and they pay their taxes like the rest of us, I'm a jackass and I apologize. Carry on with your discussions of Jesus's position on gay marriage.]

My slate of ballot propositions

Film Commission? School Facilities Tax? BOR-ING. Wake me up when these are on the ballot:

PROP 5.2% ABV: Requires that the Giants offer at least one regular-sized beer priced at 5 dollars at AT&T Park. Can be Black Label, PBR, or Red White & Blue, if they still make that. Appropriates funds for a committee to investigate whether Red White & Blue is still being made.

PROP F: Makes it a misdemeanor to remove footwear on Muni or BART, punishable by fines of up to $500 and a requirement that the violator wear penny loafers the rest of the week. Flip-flops restricted to the Marina and Cow Hollow. Those found wearing flip-flops outside of those areas are issued visors and returned to Balboa Cafe.

PROP S: Each resident receives a free shot of their choice on their birthday. If he or she does not drink the shot, he or she must buy shots for everyone else within a 10-foot radius.

PROP W: No whining.

PROP B: All panhandlers must have a skill, such as singing or doing a magic trick. Having a clever sign is not a "skill." If a panhandler chooses to sing, they have to mix up the songs and not sing the same one every time, like those 3 guys in the BART stations who have been singing the exact same song for like 8 years now. No juggling.

PROP E: No small talk on elevators.

PROP E-2: For the LAST FUCKING TIME, it is STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT on the fucking escalator. First offense results in being thrown down the escalator. Second offense is death. If the offender isn't dead already from being thrown down the escalator the first time. This includes you, grandma, so heads up and look alive. If you're too grizzled to hoof it up to 24th Street, stand on the fucking right side. Seriously people.

PROP F: Every other Friday off.

Stream of consciousness during last night's Mumford and Sons show at Slim's

Man, maybe I'm getting too old for this shit. Why is Slim's always so fucking crowded? There's gotta be like 800 people in here. Oh, look, there's Aaron Axelsen. I've been seeing him at shows since like 1993. He has the exact same haircut he did then. Man, it is crowded in here. At least Miller bottles are four bucks.

Oh, here goes the opening act. They have a lot of people in this band! Who's that guy who looks like Charles Manson and is shaking a tree branch with finger cymbals tied to it? That must be some Australian thing. They sound like Animal Collective with all the juice sucked out. I bet the recordings sound better than the live show. "This guy in front of me is dancing like he's at Bible camp," The Wife says.

OK, they're done. NOW EVERYBODY RUSH THE BAR. Fuck, it is way too crowded in here. Why is this set break so long?

Looks like we're getting ready to start. Wow, the sound is really great! I wish the sound was this good at all the shows I go to. Good idea, playing one of the better-known songs near the beginning. Is it just me, or does the lead singer guy kinda look like Ricky Gervais? Maybe just from back here. Wow, people are really into it! They're singing along and everything! Pot smoke.
This is good! That's a lot of sound for four guys who don't even have a drummer. Oh, here comes the obligatory get-everybody-from-the-opening-act-back-on-stage part. There's the Manson stick shaker! I wonder if he gets extra-hassled at airport security. Now they're gone.

They're going longer than I expected. I guess I'll get another beer. This guy in the bathroom is telling this other guy that he's following Mumford and Sons on tour, that he was in Portland last night and is going to L.A. tomorrow. Wow, I wouldn't do that if it was my own band. That's some serious dedication.

Big finish! OK, encore. Very nice. Wow, it's almost midnight. Glad The Wife drove to the show.

Someone has to walk the dog when we get home.

[UPDATE: yuppie rag 7x7 was there last night too. Maybe that explains why the audience was whiter than a Tea Party rally.]

The Guatemala Sinkhole: A Critical Inquiry

Lo, what the Lord hath wrought:

Look, everybody! It's the Guatemala Sinkhole! FREAKY. So freaky, indeed, that soon after the above image appeared, Sinkhole Haters started hating. "Looks 'shopped," they said! What, you've never seen a perfectly round hole that shoots straight down to the Gates of Hell?

Well, guess what? It's real and it's spectacular. The Winnipeg Free Press told me so! Canada is all up in Guatemala's bidness. They have other pixx, too!

Still skeptical? New images have emerged, courtesy of Andrew:

If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

The Bachelorette: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the douche blows

God, these people are loathsome. Why am I watching this? Oh, right, because it's on TV. Last night I tried watching it without drinking, which is basically like having an appendectomy without anesthesia. I guess that's how they used to do it but no thanks.

Speaking of loathsome people, meet Craig McKinnon. He's a volatile psychopath. Like, more than normal.


Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He spent basically the whole show bullying the little weatherman guy (who has a "brown belt," he says, and I think he means in the martial arts sense). I don't know what they do in Canada, where this douchelord is from, but this kind of thing stops here around 7th grade. I'm surprised he didn't give the guy a swirly.

You know what? They should insert a criminally insane sociopath into every reality show. Can you imagine, like, John Wayne Gacy on the Real World? The kids would be all like, "John, have you seen Jayson lately? He hasn't been showing up for our volunteer work at the dolphin hospital." And John Wayne Gacy would be all, "Oh, I think he went to live on a farm in the country too, just like Brad and Taylor did." ANYWAY. Evil Craig McKinnon's gone before he has the chance to kill again, so good riddance.

So what else happened this week? OK, first we have a solo date with Frank. Frank obviously has suffered a closed-head injury and should be wearing a helmet like Natalie Portman in "Garden State" because he has the emotional response of a 5-year-old. When Frank finds out they're going for a ride in the car, he goes "WHOOOOOOO!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!" You have to spell out "P-A-R-K" around Frank so he doesn't have a seizure. Frank also obviously have a keen fear of overdressing, so he cannily avoided that evil by wearing what appears to be a souvenir t-shirt that he purchased for $6.99 at T's N Things in Bar Harbor. Oh no, the car breaks down! That's OK. Frank jumps out and goes "WHOOOO!!!! CAR BROKE DOWN YAY!!!!" They go to the Hollywood sign and get some heroin and bliss out or something, I don't know. Then they make out.

Next we have a Group Date with 11 douchebags and the Weatherman. They all go the beach at Malibu. We know it's Malibu because Ali goes "WOOOO!!!! MALIBUUUUU!!!" Maybe whatever Frank has is contagious. Then all the douchebags put on bathing suits and they pose for a Sex Offender Calendar that will be distributed to anyone within 2500 feet of wherever they live. Later, over tiny glasses of iced tea at some place called "h. wood ," KASEY SPEAKS AGAIN. He sounds like Fozzie Bear tonight! WACKA WACKA.

This thing is 2 fucking hours long every week? FUCK. OK, another solo date, this time with Jesse, who's from Peculiar, MO, which is a real place and not an ABC miniseries. Hey, let's all move to Peculiar! We'll buy this 4-bedroom house on 5 acres for $150,000 and start our own Utopia/Rave Cult. If everyone in Peculiar is as SMRT as Jesse, we'll be able to buy the whole town with some shiny beads. ABC flies Ali and Jesse to Vegas in a private plane, where he has an oyster for the first time. It's a good thing they don't let Jesse gamble or he'd lose all his money playing War.

Time to give out the roses. Blah blah blah WHOA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?



Seriously, was there a lawnmower accident or something they didn't show? Jesus Christ, maybe everybody needs helmets. Whoever the fuck this Human Punching Bag is, he didn't make it. Just as well. Broseph needs immediate medical attention, not a Fantasy Date.