Hi guys! Time for another season of the Bachelorette! This time, we've got TWICE THE EXCITEMENT because Britt and Kaitlyn from last season must first compete to see who will have a chance at love and happiness this year! ABC is also doing some things differently because instead of our usual LA mansion, the girls will be greeting the lucky guys by GORATHAG, the Hell Portal, site of the Deaths of the 10,000 and Gateway to the Screaming-Lands!
Let's meet our contestants! First up is THOROCK THE DESTROYER.
Any joker can ride up in a limo and hop out and whatever. Not Thorock! He makes quite an entrance riding astride Gnargon, the Dark Beast. Is that Gnargon poop on the driveway?! Sorry, ABC!
Britt leans over to Kaitlyn. "He's cute," she coos. Thorock dismounts. "BEHOLD MORTALS, I AM THOROCK THE DESTROYER, EATER OF FLESH, DESTROYER OF CITIES, BRAVE MEN TREMBLE BEFORE MY GAZE."
Kaitlyn makes the first move! "Heyyyyyy," she says, "Are those horns real?"
"I HAVE TAKEN THIS FORM FOR 20,000 YEARS. MANY SOULS I HAVE IMPALED ON THESE HORNS. I AM THOROCK," Thorock says. Was Britt rolling her eyes a little? "Nice to meet you Thorock," Kaitlyn says. "I look forward to getting to know you."
"I AM THOROCK," Thorock says.
Here comes a limo! It's our next contestant, DEAD TED BUNDY IN HELL. He hops out of the limo wearing a cast on his arm. Kaitlyn and Britt exchange nervous glances.
"Hey there!," says Dead Ted Bundy in Hell. "Can one of you ladies help me put these groceries in the car?"
Kaitlyn and Britt look at each other knowingly. "Isn't that a ploy you used to lure unsuspecting young women into your car so you could abduct and murder them?," says Britt. "Come on, Dead Ted Bundy in Hell, we weren't born yesterday!"
Dead Ted Bundy in Hell cracks a sheepish smile and takes off the fake cast. "You got me, you got me," he chuckles. "But seriously, you are both so beautiful! I would hate to have to choose one of you to kill I mean date." He heads into the house. "I like him," says Kaitlyn.
Another limo! The door opens but it doesn't look like anyone gets out. Wait a minute, I can sort of see him, it's a Vaporous Sentient Mist! He blows over towards Kaitlyn and Britt. "Oh wow, nice to meet you, Vaporous Sentient Mist!," says Britt. The Mist pauses in midair, then blows inside. Britt cups a hand to the side of her mouth and stage-whispers "SO. SKINNY." at Kaitlyn.
Next up is BRAD, 28, an accountant from Missoula, Montana. "Good evening, ladies," he says. "I'd like to see both of you on my balance sheet!" Kaitlyn giggles and gives Brad a peck on the cheek. We later hear his screams from inside the house as Thorock dismembers him and feeds him to Gnargon the Dark Beast.
Here comes the next contestant! Wait, it's just a dog walking up! I didn't know you could bring dogs on the show! Oh, wow, it's ROODLES, THE TALKING DOG! "'Sup," says Roodles. "WOW!," says Kaitlyn, "Are you like an actual talking dog?"
"The fuck do you think?," says Roodles. "I'm fucking talking. I'm a fucking dog. Do the math. Jesus Christ. Where's the fucking bar."
"We'll have to see about him," says Kaitlyn.
OK, now, as you might have heard, there's kind of a twist this year, because Kaitlyn and Britt BOTH can't be the Bachelorette so instead we've devised a contest of sorts - a fight in the Ring of Death! Kaitlyn will be given the trident and net, and Britt the shortsword and shield. I think, assuming Britt can keep the flowing crimson blood out of her eyes, she's got a real chance. Kaitlyn's never shown much promise with the long weapons. STAY TUNED.