new SF zoning requirement: mandatory bar and/or live venue in every new condo development
— Burrito Justice (@burritojustice) April 23, 2015
I like it! Maybe because I had a similar thought not long ago and I always like it when people mirror at me. That's how I get my self-worth and validation.
Anyway, it made me think. If Burrito's plan becomes reality, what kind of bars would go with what kind of development?
3500 Nineteenth Street is a "balanced blend of urban living and comforatble luxury, rising above the rest." Ugh. Here's a 2-bedroom rising above the rest at $10,000 a month. The Thought Leaders and App Monetizers who will live at 3500 Nineteenth demand a bar that understands their particular blend of infinite arrogance and crippling social disability, and now they have it: SWIPE, a bar at which no human interaction is permitted. Simply use the bespoke SWIPE app to order a $16 Red Bull & vodka, find out if vaping is allowed inside (only in the VapeShape Room, please), or message that cutie at the end of the bar. Oh she works here. OK.
The Massive Project at 16th and Mission has already been dubbed Royal Gate by local wags, and it shall have a bar befitting both its on point nickname and its location: DT's. DT's will feature a fun, not really that friendly enviornment, where getting blackout drunk is on the menu! At DT's, you'll never have the embarrassment of having to ask where the bathroom is - it's everywhere!
The Proposed Condos at 16th and Albion have arrived at a fraught time in Mission development history, so its bar shall be called Moratorium. Moratorium will feature drinks like the Planning Commissioner, which costs $3500 and use of your condo in Maui for a week. Nobody saw you order it!
Surely you don't believe that the Richie Riches in Laurel Heights will ever allow 500 units of housing that are 40 feet tall at the UCSF Laurel Heights Campus do you? The bar there will be called No Fucking Way.
I'm sure that the people who move into one of the Nine Condos Directly Behind Bottom of the Hill will be totally chill with loud music until 2 am and that awesome back patio where everyone totally keeps their voice down all the time. But they don't have to go next door to get a drink! They can visit the onsite bar, Noise Complaint, which has a big bowl of earplugs on the bar and your city supervisor on speed dial.
The Elbo Room Condos will boast ElboRoomLand, an immersive experience that's guaranteed to take you back to your old Elbo Room days. You'll enjoy sharing a joint with a white guy with dreadlocks as you bounce your head to the fourth-best touring Sublime cover band! JAH LIKE.