One circle of Hell probably looks like a featureless, sunbaked street in Los Angeles County where a semiautonomous organism waves a "I [heart" Chris" sign that someone has handed her because that's where we're starting out this season. HI EVERYONE I'M WATCHING THE BACHELOR AGAIN because I have so much love to give. Apparently the first hour of the show is going to feature helicopterloads of prior contestants in some kind of faux Academy Awards red carpet show except with disease vectors instead of actors and lowered expectations instead of statuettes.
LET'S MEET OUR BACHELOR whom Chris Harrison gaggingly refers to as "Prince Farming" when Field of Screams or Plower Bouquet or Bodily Farm was available. Chris the Farm Man is proud to "feed the world" which means putting high fructose corn syrup into M&Ms. He wants what his parents and sisters have, which appears to be livestock with numbered tags in their ears. Since he has exhausted the romantic possibilities in Arlington Iowa, he feels that "this is the best way to find love," which means he has never heard of FarmersOnly.com. Chris dons a comically oversized motorcycle helmet and heads west to meet some emtpyheaded hair product support systems.
Back at the Oscars of Desperation, Chris Harrison is doing red carpet interviews with people I have only a vague memory of, while in the background cavort others we longed to forget like Droopy Face and Too Much Product and Who the Fuck Is She Again.
Let's bounce and meet some chicks. Britt is a waitress in Hollywood and looks like an Olsen twin on a crash diet in a concentration camp. There is a not zero chance she's done coke with James Woods. Amanda is a ballet instructor with Keane painting eyes and a legitimately krazee vibe. Whitney is a "fertility nurse" who has found the perfect job for someone with the voice of a toddler. She longs to be fertilized as well! Kelsey is an exotic-looking widow in Austin whose husband's heart just stopped one day! If he was walking in Austin anytime between May and September I can understand.
Cut to the Red Carpet where there is a Nixon-Frost length interview with Nikki about Juan Pablo and her life and anything else in the entire universe. Gotta put something in between yogurt commercials, I guess.
After an hour of bullshit and the Nikki Documentary, we're finally ready to get started. Following establishing shots of Chris trying on clothes for the first time ever and gettin his visage fixed with the pitcher machine, we're ready to start unloading the Cattle Cars. Out pops Britt who latches onto C like he's a kidney donor and she can't process waste. The Widow Kelsey claims to be "just a regular girl" but she's on this show so I'm not 100% sure about that. I was starting to think we were going to largely avoid Gimmick Intros when Human Tissue Salesgirl Reegan arrives with a biohazard container full of what she says is a human heart but is probably just human lungs or a spleen. Lame.
THEN THERE'S TARA. I kinda love Tara. She hops out in a Sexy Farmgirl Halloween costume with cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes and proceeds straight to the bar and orders a Jameson. SWOON. Then for some reason she changes into a cocktail dress and gets out of the limo again? Not sure why, but we get to see her killer White Trash Tatt:
It's kind of hard to read but I think it says either "LOVE IS PEE * BRIDE OF RESIN" or "FINE BY ME * WHISKEY & GINGER."
More chicks. Amanda takes her bipolar and goes flying by. Hairstylist Ashley says she's 24 but maybe means she's been a hairstylist for 24 years? I know Kaitlyn With a K is probably getting all the press for telling C "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day" but that's the Space Pants of farmer pickup lines. So played.
The ladies are at Cuban Missile Crisis levels of concern because THERE ARE ONLY 15 OF THEM. No one can process this world-shatteringly bizarre turn of events. OH WAIT IT'S CATTLE CAR ROUND 2. The First 15, now in various stages of intoxication, peer from behind the blinds as Wedding Cake Decorator and Tandra on the Motorcycle and Nicole Who Is Wearing a Pig Nose Not As a Statement on Society But For Other Inscrutable Reasons arrive. Karas and Jades and various other dubiously-employed lifeforms emerge. There are 30 women now! Or as DiCaprio calls it, Tuesday.
FINALLY, we are at the Cocktail Party, i.e. Lord of the Flies Sponsored by Sephora. C passes haplessly from Plus Size Model to Fourth Grade Teacher like a speed dating tetherball. My two fave drunks are Ashley from Brooklyn (not that Brooklyn, though - no full sleeves or dumb hat or boring anecdote about her solo show) and of course Tara, who winningly says she "cares for that kid," hopefully meaning C and not an actual child because Tara should not involved in any child care scenario. Human Teeth Whitener Britt gets the First Impression Rose, raising the combined IQ of her and the plant to 80. JUMP CUT back to the Live Show where Famous Loser Michelle Money meows "I heard she doesn't shower" about Britt. What the fuck Michelle.
ROSE CEREMONY. God, they better not do these fucking 3 hour shows every time. I'm barely keeping track at this point. Who's staying? Kaitlyn, Jade, Poor Man's Mischa Barton With Black Hair, The Widow Kelsey, Megan the Simple. Meanwhile Drunk Tara is hanging on like Just Standing There is a roadside DUI test. It's touch and go about whether she's gonna end up on the floor before this is over but YAY she gets a rose. Sadly, Ashley from Brooklyn does not. There are other roses given and withheld.
Meanwhile, Tara has confused her rose for Domino's and is going house on it.
My only wish for this season is a long run for Tara and a high enough Jameson budget to make it worthwhile. *winks* Love ya girl.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I went to school for sports broadcast news but now I sell cadaver tissue." Has there ever been a better metaphor for life?