Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor: I wish the Earth sucked me today, too!

We have finally reached the end of This Journey and what I especially like about this season besides the fact that it's FINALLY FUCKING OVER is the slow transformation of Whan from Suave Latin Lover to Mumbling Asshole It's OK to Hate.  This needs to happen more often.  I mean, all these jackoffs are about as deep as a petri dish, but it's rare that America turns on them and it's about fucking time.

OK, on to Chris Harrison and the Live Studio Audience with a M/F ratio typically found only in gynecologist waiting rooms.  CH promises us that this will be "one of the most dramatic and surprising finales" but you say that every time and IT NEVER COMES TRUE.  "Romeo and Juliet" had a dramatic and surprising finale.  The Bachelor just dies of emphysema alone in a hospital bed.


Oh wait, my mistake.  Those are somebody else.  Anyway, Whan's got the whole fam here in St. Lucia, including brother Rodrigo (hipster 'stache, bad skin) and cousin Rodolfo (clothing by GapKids) and Smoking Dad, who the producers have taken the cigarettes away from for this episode.  Hey, has anyone ever heard Whan speak English to Camilla?  Seems like they're on a Spanish-only basis.  Anyway, here comes Clare!  She interviews with various members of Whan's family and they all dis him!  Good for them.  Mom says he's "heeperactive" and "so energy."  Wait, what?  Not on this show.  Rodolfo wants to know if she'll "run away at the first sign of trouble."  I'm not sure if he's blowing up JP or Baby Mama.  Meanwhile, Dad's getting a little handsy!


Clare is shuffled offscreen and Rootsy arrives with a dress showing off her Twitter logo tattoo.  Smoking Dad's not so into her!  Meanwhile, Mom paints a grim picture of her joyless future with Whan - she'll make him breakfast, then he'll be "watching TV, with you, if you are there."  THIS IS AWESOME.  Mom asks if Whan is the kind of guy she wants and then Mom's all "You sure?"  His family is fucking throwing him under the bus!  Because hey, who knows you're a total dickbag better than your own family! IT KEEPS GOING!  Rodolfo wants to know "how much fighting you can take."  Like, you know a slap isn't a punch, right?  You can get knocked around a little and not go whining to the cops, right, sweetie?

Back in the studio, CH wants to hear from "Bachelor Nation."  Haha, one chick says "this whole thing is going south."  Here's Sean and Catherine from two seasons ago.  Oh man, ABC slathered too much fake eyelashes on Catherine and she has to blink like a movie projector.  Surprisingly, they have nothing to add.

Last date with Clare.  Finally getting some helicopters up in this bitch.  We got some drama right off the bat!  Clare tells us in her voiceover that when the mics were off, Whan whispered something to her and now she's devastated!  It's "something no woman wants to hear" and "some sexual thing I don't want to repeat"!  Oh shit Whan, save the Japanese schoolgirl thing for the honeymoon!  Wait, back at the hotel, she says it was because he said he didn't know her at all?  That's not sexual!  BORING.  There's a lot of blah blah blah about nothing and I started checking my phone so who knows.

Then we got a last Boat Date with Rootsy, where Whan describes his ideal future: watching sports on TV by himself!  I guess Mom was spot-on with that shit.  Back at her hotel room that night, Rootsy is wearing a tablecloth, for some reason, and freaking out because he won't say he loves her.  I think that's in the contract but whatever.  She gives him a photo in a Walgreens frame and a card that says "I love you" and then STARES AT HIM INTENTLY like the POWER OF HER GAZE can force him to say it but he won't and now Rootsy is mad mad mad.

Let's wrap this shitshow up and hit the bar.  Everyone's arriving by boat like it's D-Day but for marriage.  Clare comes ashore in a blue chiffon curtain and some costume jewelry.  She's on with a bunch of stuff about how great he is and then he's all "I wish the Earth sucked me today" which I don't know but can't be good.  He dumps her and instead of the usual blubbering GIRLFRIEND GETS PISSED.  " I would never want my children having a father like you" and RIGHT ON CLARE.  Humorously, Whan says "I'm glad I didn't pick her."  What, and pass up a life watching TV in Sacramento?  ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

Here comes Rootsy.  Girlfriend is ready to get proposed to.  Whan's like "I gotta ring here in my pocket" but you will not be saying hello to my little friend.  I'm not even sure what happened but I'm pretty sure he didn't propose to her but she didn't break down crying so I don't know.  Who gives a shit anyway.  This finale was about as surprising and dramatic as an episode of This Old House.  TK out.


KBN said...

Free at last, free at last, thanks god almighty free at last...

Mingalingadingdong said...

FYI, Whan Pabs told Clare "I love fucking you."

I know this season was painful but I'm truly appreciative of your recaps. They'll be missed.

TK said...

KBN - sweet relief

Ming - Really, no shit? Wait, girls don't like that? It's better than "I don't love fucking you," isn't it? Also, thanks!

Tamagosan said...

In clear violation with my strict Commenting Bylaws (mainly, I'd never seen the show), I'm piping in on this one. I was at my folks' house the other night and once they turned off the Doc Martin they so obsessively DVR, it reverted to live TV, and this show. It was at the part described in your second-to-last para of your criticism piece here.

The three of us sat, transfixed, wondering how people could watch this, unless --I pointed out, much to their confusion-- you were a blogger that people depended on for recap-based humor.

We heard the bit about the Earth sucking or whatever and accused each other of putting something mind-altering in our dinner. We heard the part about Sacramento and wondered what part of that city is a desert island set. We switched it off and were a family again.

Hats off to you, sir, for your noble service to the recap community and may this satisfactory closure carry you through to Arizona and beyond.

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