Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Happy Birthday, kid

Today is baby Beyonce's first birthday.  She has no idea because she's one year old and doesn't understand time or aging. This is probably the last birthday when we can get away with totally phoning it in and not having donkey rides or a party at Chuck E Cheese or whatever unholy Godforsaken kidz thing we'll have to do.

Beyonce, v. 1.0:



Now, you'll note, she's somewhat larger. Perhaps disturbingly, she has discovered that she has the ability to scream:



I know I violated the Sacred Rule of iPhone Videography and didn't hold the phone sideways. Sorry.

Despite the screaming, which can be nerve-rattling, she's what I imagine to be a pretty easy-going kid.  She doesn't get rattled easily and overall she's pretty chill.  I would say we got lucky, because I don't think of myself as "doesn't get rattled easily" or "pretty chill."  So I guess she got the Wife's unflappable gene and my tendency to scream for no reason once in a while.

People always say "Didn't the first year just fly by?"  NO.  That is some bullshit perpetrated by the baby/grandparent industry.  The first year absolutely does NOT fly by.  It seems like about three years.  Well, up until a few months ago, then it started speeding up.  But the first six months at least are about the longest six months of your life.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, kid! This is going to be up on the Internet forever, so if you're watching this stoned with your college roommate or animatronic robot servant or whatever they have in 2031, get off the computer and do your homework!  Or plug the homework module into your brain socket or whatever's going on in the distant future.  Best to President Chelsea Clinton.

 

9 comments:

burritojustice.com said...

"But the first six months at least are about the longest six months of your life."

oh man, tell me about it.

Also, they have bud and two kinds of wine (red AND white) at Chuck E Cheese.

TK said...

At first I read "bud" as...you know, "bud." But I guess they probably only have that kind of bud in Chuck E Cheese's Washington and Colorado locations!

Anyway, I've never been. I guess I'll find out for myself one day.

burritojustice.com said...

Talk about a legitimate case for medical marijuana. C-E-C ought to skip a step and just open a dispensary.

My archives are failing me but there are literally two taps in the wall labeled RED and WHITE and BEER.

The other place you get to go to is Pump It Up. May god have mercy on your soul.

Andrea Prete said...

Happy Birthday Beyonce! Congratulations TK and Wife on making it through the first year. Will there be a Miley or a Kanye coming in the near future?

Tamagosan said...

Thank you for breaking the silence on the "baby/grandparent industry". Their main lobbyists, Parents of Adult Children Who Technically Could Have Babies But Just Don't Want To OK, have been operating in the underground for far too long.

And, again, congrats for not failing as a parent for a whole year. It's best to leave that for the teenage years when your shortcomings can be blogged about or whatever they'll do then.

thesoniashow said...

The first birthday party is really for the parents, so cheers! Congrats on making it through the first year.

I look forward to all our family gatherings when your daughter and my son get married.

TK said...

Thanks, everybody!

Andrea - Actually, I think we might stick. Why push the odds?
Tam - I know, it's just a matter of time before this thing gets turned around on me.
Sonia - I just realized *I* have to pay for the wedding. So I hope you like City Hall!

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