Today is baby Beyonce's first birthday. She has no idea because she's one year old and doesn't understand time or aging. This is probably the last birthday when we can get away with totally phoning it in and not having donkey rides or a party at Chuck E Cheese or whatever unholy Godforsaken kidz thing we'll have to do.
Beyonce, v. 1.0:
Now, you'll note, she's somewhat larger. Perhaps disturbingly, she has discovered that she has the ability to scream:
I know I violated the Sacred Rule of iPhone Videography and didn't hold the phone sideways. Sorry.
Despite the screaming, which can be nerve-rattling, she's what I imagine to be a pretty easy-going kid. She doesn't get rattled easily and overall she's pretty chill. I would say we got lucky, because I don't think of myself as "doesn't get rattled easily" or "pretty chill." So I guess she got the Wife's unflappable gene and my tendency to scream for no reason once in a while.
People always say "Didn't the first year just fly by?" NO. That is some bullshit perpetrated by the baby/grandparent industry. The first year absolutely does NOT fly by. It seems like about three years. Well, up until a few months ago, then it started speeding up. But the first six months at least are about the longest six months of your life.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, kid! This is going to be up on the Internet forever, so if you're watching this stoned with your college roommate or animatronic robot servant or whatever they have in 2031, get off the computer and do your homework! Or plug the homework module into your brain socket or whatever's going on in the distant future. Best to President Chelsea Clinton.