Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Here are the problems with Les Misérables the movie

1. It's way too fucking long.
2. Literally almost every line is sung, even just incidental conversation.  Like one guy says to another guy "Are you looking for that horse?" and he has to sing it without any particular melody or tune.
3. Russell Crowe singing.
4. Anne Hathaway doesn't look so great with her hair cut off.  Also - SPOILER WARNING - she dies, but it's never clear exactly what she dies from, unless you can die of Bad Haircut or Being Poor.
5. The dude that plays Marius looks like he just wandered in from another film, maybe something about surfing or smoking weed.
6. It's way, way, way too fucking long.  Like when you think you see a glimmer and we're starting to wrap shit up BOOM here comes another hour.
7. Samantha Barks has like an 8-inch waistline.  It really looks weird.  She looks like you could disarticulate her and pack her torso and legs side by side.  In fact, that would make the movie much better.
8. The Marius dude tries out being a poor revolutionary and when that doesn't work out it's all WHOOSH BACK TO THE ONE PERCENT with no apparent misgivings or guilt.  Hey, I don't blame him for it.  Being fabulously wealthy and banging Amanda Seyfried is way better than being poor and not banging Amanda Seyfried.
9. MORE SPOILERS HERE - Hugh Jackman also dies for no apparent reason.  He doesn't look particularly ill or old.  He's got baggy eyes but that's about it.
10. Sacha Baron Cohen is in it.
11. The guy in front of me in the theater audibly went "Hm" after every scene as if he was reflecting on what just happened.  He "Hm"d about 200 times over the course of 6 or 8 hours or however long it was.
12. Why does everybody have an English accent? They're French, not English.  Even the Americans have an English accent.  It would be way better if everyone did a French accent and they whole cast sounded like Pepe Le Pew.  That would rule.
13. It's too long.

8 comments:

Michael Strickland said...

Gosh, I was hoping to invite you over to watch a an awards screener of this on New Year's Eve, because I've heard it is beyond wretched and unbearably long, which means lots of pauses and cocktails and appetizers and mean, funny people watching it together is what a screening of this particular movie needs.

I saw the musical on Broadway and was very impressed with the Trevor Nunn staging and appalled by the awful music that used about two-and-half tunes for what felt like seventeen fucking hours.

Happy holidays.

thesoniashow said...

Instead of seeing this movie tomorrow, we're going to see "The Hobbit." I'm worried that I'm going to have a list of similar complaints, including the running time and, possibly, the singing. I think there's singing. Also, I hear that Anne Hathaway dies in "The Hobbit," too. I guess they added a lot of extra stuff to fill three movies.

Lisa said...

Highjacking comments with a long one!

I haven't seen the movie, only the play a few months back at the Orpheum. BUT!

1. Yes, it's too fucking long and I, who love musical theater was like, "Is this thing OVER yet?"

2. It's exhausting that there is no let up on the singing. Not singing is like an emotional break. You never get it with that. Apparently it's modeled after opera and less so after musical theater. Hence, the nonstop singing. But at least with opera it's in a foreign language so you can sort of tune out a bit. (I also saw the play a day I had an interview and had a slight sinus headache so don't think I enjoyed it as much as I would have liked to.)

4. Hathaway dies of, yes, being poor. She gets beaten in the cold when she's a prostitute and dies of that...coupled with the poor/lack of 19th century French health care. How'd they do with the beaten hooker thing in the movie? It's pretty obvious in the play, wonder if it's toned down in the movie. Blowing people up/war: ok. Beating women: not ok. Logic!

8. My understanding is that Marius was actually poor/pre-revolutionary bourgeois college kid. Then a revolutionary. Then he marries Amanda and gets all HER inherited wealth from being adopted by Jackman so he doesn't go back to being the 1%, he magically becomes it because women are property with no head for money! But don't quote me on that, just what I grasped from the play.

9. Jackman dies of old, which they probably didn't show well in the movie. He's like 20 when he goes to prison, where he is for something like 20 years, and then a shit ton of time passed for the duration of his story. Like another 20 years? So he's old, and sort of goes off to die to not be in the way because he still thinks Javert is after him because there was no interent to be all, "Javert has crisis of conscious, commits suicide, it's all good, former prisoner!"

12. That British accents when doing foreign accents thing drives me crazy. See also: Gladiator. They were Italian/Germanic/Spaniards. Why the hell is everyone speaking with British ones? Pretty sure the answer is Americans are stupid and/or hate the French.

So. Yeah. Not that you asked.

I need hockey to come back so I don't write a hundred word responses to other people's posts. Gonna go read a book now. By which I mean watch another romcom.

Greg said...

OMG This is why I read your blog and follow you on the Twitter. EPIC WIN.

On Christmas day my mom and my brother and I tradtionally go to the movies, but the selection kinda sucked. Mom, who loves musicals was all "hey let's see Les Miz" and the only way we could convince her not to was to see...."Lincoln".

OMG talky talky talky and we had the Yakety Yak Duo sitting next to us, ruining the film and reminding me why I need to Not Become The Hulk because there woulda been some pain inflicted in San Bruno.

That said, I had a feeling this was going to suck so a) thank you for your review and b) Lincoln FTW and c) next Xmas there better be some better movies.

PS: We WOULD have seen "Wreck it Ralph" which is WAY BETTER THAN EXPECTED but I'd seen it already, as had my brother, so, Lincoln.

BTW if I haven't said it before, your writing is really good. You have a way with words that is truly enjoyable. Also: cuts down BS like a master.

amy.leblanc said...

saw it yesterday. it was so bad i actually think Sacha Baron Cohen was the best part. everyone else was so pathetic and overacted, and why did they cast people who can't sing? at least he and helena were funny.

Stoney said...

As far as the English accents thing, it's an age-old Hollywood convention, like 555 numbers. I'm pretty sure Elizabeth Taylor used an English accent when she played Cleopatra. You need to work on your suspension of disbelief.

Stoney said...
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Laura Holland said...

ha ha this is awesome. Watching it now and the little boy with the thick Cockney accent makes me feel like I am watching Oliver. And yeah WTF is with that bizarre scene with Sacha Baron Cohen so doesn't fit.