Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette: Guess who's getting laid? Nobody.

Are you tired of this yet? I'm tired of it. These guys are all fucking lumps who couldn't be exciting if you attached electrodes to their testicles, and Emily is basically a RealDoll with a voice recorder that just keeps spouting shit about how important her kid is to her. So thank fucking God, we're almost done. To accomplish this, we have arrived in Curacao, an island paradise where they make Blue Curacao. 10 minutes of recap filler ensues, followed by a lengthy ad for a movie about old people fucking. Gross.

First actual content tonight is a date with Sean, the blandly handsome everydude you can picture doing Habitat for Humanity and drinking Coors Light. Helicopter ride! Not too many helicopters this year. Uneaten Dinners is this year's Helicopter Rides. Anyway, out to a Private Island and Ems voiceovers "I can't go through this and fall in love and then have it not work out again," and at first I thought she was talking about Plane Crash Ricky and I was all "Wait, what?" but I guess she's talking about Brad. Anyway, she keeps going on and on about how Sean hasn't told her he loves her and Jesus Christ like it's abnormal not to tell someone you love them on the 3rd date. Fuck.

Segue to Romantic Beach Dinner and now the only thing I look at these dinners for is to see if someone will take a fucking bite. Sean says she's ready to be a dad and oh, here we go, he wrote a little letter to Rikki Jr. or however you spell it. What did he say? He hopes to shower her? INAPPROPRIATE. Oh, "shower her with unconditional love." I guess that's marginally better. So then he finally caves and says he's fallen in love with her and so WHEW glad we got that out of the way. Time for the Fantasy Suite! Sean wants to "stay up and talk to you" but the Fantasy Suite is about boning down, not talking, you doofus. So off they go and hit the hot tub and whoa, she's leaving? What the fuck? Oh, it looks bad because of Little Rikki or whatever. Didn't look bad when you spent all night with Brad! Oh well. No one is getting laid this season.

Jef. A boat ride. She thinks he'll be a good parent because he's "fun." Little Rikki is going to need therapy. Since this is painfully boring, let's all go to our Happy Place and think about something nice. Mmmmmm, five-spice chicken at Jasmine Garden. (BTW, according to "Gary R." from San Diego on Yelp, Jasmine Garden - which is in Duboce Triangle - is in "a very seedy part of town"! LOL!) OK, I'm back. Time to not eat some dinner. Jef has questions! One of them should be "What the fuck are we doing?" or "How much are you getting paid for this?" but instead he wants to know where they'll live. Duh, dumbass, you'll live in LA like every other reality contestant. Same deal with the Fantasy Suite. A little making out and she leaves. You will make a good Sister Wife, Emily!

And then there's Arie. Boat or helicopter? Boat. They jump right to making out and then it's Time to Interact With the Sea Creatures.

Haha, you can tell that dolphin is just all "Fuck, how much longer until my shift is over?"

Another outdoor dinner. She would be "happy to move to Scottsdale!" No shit, she already looks like every chick in Scottsdale. He doesn't even get the Fantasy Suite card. They totally hit it. You know they did.

NEED MORE FILLER. So let's have an interview with Chris Harrison. He asks her to spell "chorizo" and she starts to cry. No, I'm just shitting you. Instead, he tells us that the 3 guys have taped video messages for her. Each one is more boring than the one before. Here, I'll nutshell them all for you: (1) I had a nice time, (2) You're great, (3) Something about a journey, (4) I want to raise some dead guy's kid. Jef offers that "Together, we will watch a thousand sunsets." That's like 2.75 years, so that sounds about right. Em then gazes meaningfully out the window between two weird fucking chairs.

Last Rose Cer. Thank God. Em's already crying and she goes "I'm sorry" and I'm all "SHE WAS LOOKING AT SEAN WHEN SHE SAID THAT! THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS TOAST" and guess what? I'M RIGHT. Sean is the big loser. Way to basically guilt him into telling you he loves you and then dumping him, bitch! Anyway, Sean gets into the Crying SUV and he's actually pretty stoic but says he feels "embarrassment" and that in one word is the most honest thing anyone has said all season. Back to your flag football and gym and Axe body spray lifestyle, Sean. You have surely dodged a bullet here.

Do we get to end this thing next week? No. No, we do not. We get the fake reunion/interview show. We all get what we deserve.

In an unrelated story, NyQuil has finally acknowledged that 98% of the people who use their product just use it to knock themselves out and push aside their troubled thoughts so they can escape the mind-numbing drudgery of their daily lives and get some sleep.

If you take all the cold medicine out of NyQuil, it's just a 40-proof syrup, so if I'm not mistaken, this product is essentially Southern Comfort with a different label.


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