Identifying trait: Old school radio headphones worn over tattered, pin-covered cap.
The Hardcore used to have season tickets at Candlestick and is still somewhat leery of "the new park." He or she has been coming to games since childhood and knows ushers by name. He or she can also run down entire boxscores from memory. The Hardcore is more hardcore than you.
Quote: "Chili Davis would have been all over that pitch."
2. The Business Douche
Identifying trait: Sunglasses perched on top of cap brim; relaxed fit jeans; Coors Light
The Business Douche is not really there to watch baseball. He is there to bond with his work bros, talk about the office, and get moderately drunk. Can be annoying after 3 Coors Lights.
Quote: "What, that girl Michelle in Accounting? I would hit that so hard, dude."
3. Two Asian Girls
Identifying trait: Texting throughout the game; Uggs.
As the name implies, Two Asian Girls travel together, and are rarely seen apart. They are nice to sit behind because they're usually quiet and don't get up much. May order churros and hot chocolate from passing vendors.
Quote: "Will you get me a churro?"
How many types can you spot in this picture? (Photo courtesy of I don't remember where I grabbed it from, sorry.)
4. Shaved Head From Modesto
Identifying trait: Lots of Giants gear; shaved head; tribal or armband tattoos.
SHFM is loud, somewhat drunk, and possibly angry if you're not cheering as vocally and as often as him. Often tries to start "Let's Go Giants!" chant at inopportune times; sits down disgustedly when no one else joins in.
Quote: "FUCK THE FUCKING DODGERS!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!"
5. Family with kid(s)
Identifying trait: One or more children, usually wearing child-size Giants gear of some kind.
As long as they can keep their seat-crawlers corralled and under control, Family with Kids is a fine row partner. They also usually leave by about the 6th inning, giving you extra space/disposal area for empties.
Quote: "No, don't touch that man, Jaden!"
6. Wearing Other Team's Gear
Identifying trait: Duh.
Wearing Other Team's Gear is from another city and wants you to know about it. In its most extreme form (e.g., Red Sox fans), this can be the most irritating and unpleasant lifeform at the park. Luckily, the Red Sox come here only every 3 years.
Quote: "This place is OK, I guess, but it's no Wrigley."
7. Baseball Hipster
Identifying trait: All or mostly all-black clothing; no visible team gear; facial hair (men only).
As a general rule, it is not permissible for hipsters to like sports. Some, however, have carved out a niche for baseball, which is acceptable because it's not as popular or as dumb as football and because it's got an element of ironic Americana.
Quote: "Is that MSTRKRFT they're playing between innings?"