OK! We are now 19 games into the season, so it's time to start drawing some ill-advised and misinformed conclusions about this year's team.
The Giants are 10-9. Not great, but not terrible. Annoyingly, the Dodgers are 13-6 and in first place. They can go fuck themselves, along with all of LA, as far as I'm concerned.
Hey, who's the best starting pitcher so far? That's right, it's Barry Zito, 1-0 with a 1.67 ERA. What the fuck. So this is his plan: (1) sign big contract; (2) pretend to be really, really bad for a few years; (3) explode in Year 6 of contract; (4) marry Miss Kansas or some shit; (5) get talk show called "Barry!".
Freddy Sanchez has had another "setback" and can't come to the phone.
We're not supposed to joke about Aubrey Huff having an anxiety disorder because it makes anxious people upset. So I will not say that I would be anxious too if I sucked at my job since November of 2010. I did not say that. This other guy on the bus said that. Not me.
Huff's travails prompted Giants beat writer Henry Schulman to come out as a depressed. Oh God, if this starts a wave of sportswriters having to disclose all the shit that's wrong with them we're going to need a bigger newspaper.
So far we haven't had to kill anyone in the Corona Beach Club but hold on it's a long season and there are a lot, a lot, of douchebags in this town.
You know who's good? Melky Cabrera. He's currently hitting .301 and that's pretty good, considering that the Giants got rid of Noted Headcase/Attractive Man Jonathan Sanchez to get him.
Sergio Romo in a dress:
Jeremy Affeldt wasn't worth $5 million. Unless the Giants go to the World Series and he turns in a stellar performance, striking out Cody Ross in an electrifying showdown that won't happen because the Red Sox kinda suck and Bobby Valentine is going to be fired and who's idea was it to hire Bobby Valentine in the first place? That's like hiring Mike Tyson for your kid's birthday party. Wait, that's a good idea. Don't steal that.
Pablo Sandoval is a large man. He can play baseball well. He is the Taco King. When you see him coming, go "Hey! It's the Taco King!" He will laugh and laugh. I don't know what any of this means.
That really sweet Old Lady who works the beer cart by section 231 is still there. I have been seeing her for 10 years now and she calls me either "darlin'" or "sweetie." Every game. She is the MVP.