Friday, April 27, 2012

The Giants so far

OK! We are now 19 games into the season, so it's time to start drawing some ill-advised and misinformed conclusions about this year's team.

The Giants are 10-9. Not great, but not terrible. Annoyingly, the Dodgers are 13-6 and in first place. They can go fuck themselves, along with all of LA, as far as I'm concerned.

Hey, who's the best starting pitcher so far? That's right, it's Barry Zito, 1-0 with a 1.67 ERA. What the fuck. So this is his plan: (1) sign big contract; (2) pretend to be really, really bad for a few years; (3) explode in Year 6 of contract; (4) marry Miss Kansas or some shit; (5) get talk show called "Barry!".

Freddy Sanchez has had another "setback" and can't come to the phone.

We're not supposed to joke about Aubrey Huff having an anxiety disorder because it makes anxious people upset. So I will not say that I would be anxious too if I sucked at my job since November of 2010. I did not say that. This other guy on the bus said that. Not me.

Huff's travails prompted Giants beat writer Henry Schulman to come out as a depressed. Oh God, if this starts a wave of sportswriters having to disclose all the shit that's wrong with them we're going to need a bigger newspaper.

So far we haven't had to kill anyone in the Corona Beach Club but hold on it's a long season and there are a lot, a lot, of douchebags in this town.

You know who's good? Melky Cabrera. He's currently hitting .301 and that's pretty good, considering that the Giants got rid of Noted Headcase/Attractive Man Jonathan Sanchez to get him.

Sergio Romo in a dress:


Jeremy Affeldt wasn't worth $5 million. Unless the Giants go to the World Series and he turns in a stellar performance, striking out Cody Ross in an electrifying showdown that won't happen because the Red Sox kinda suck and Bobby Valentine is going to be fired and who's idea was it to hire Bobby Valentine in the first place? That's like hiring Mike Tyson for your kid's birthday party. Wait, that's a good idea. Don't steal that.

Pablo Sandoval is a large man. He can play baseball well. He is the Taco King. When you see him coming, go "Hey! It's the Taco King!" He will laugh and laugh. I don't know what any of this means.

That really sweet Old Lady who works the beer cart by section 231 is still there. I have been seeing her for 10 years now and she calls me either "darlin'" or "sweetie." Every game. She is the MVP.

5 comments:

Tamagosan said...

Every time Melky comes up to bat, I shake my head and say Melky, Melky, Melky. I don't know why.

Henry Schulman is one of the few reasons I subscribe to The Chron and I must say your para on Pablo reminds me of another Chron writer, Jon Carrol.

But I think the most important issue here is why AM radio WILL NOT come in in my office radio. I'll rock KQED to KOIT to KMEL on the FM, but AM just circles and circles and refuses to his anything, let alone KNBR. Silent GameDay sucks and I'm too cheap to pay MLB.com for anything at all. I guess I'll try TuneIn, but wondering if a small transistor radio will have better luck... These are problems and they are real. Kthxbai.

TK said...

You bring up a good issue. WHY IS IT, that if we can listen to the games for free on KNBR on the radio, we can't listen to them for free on KNBR the website? WHY? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Now that you've compared me to Jon Carroll, I have to quit. This is my last post. This is the last thing I will ever write on the Internet.

Mostly kidding. I like Carroll OK, except for the cat columns.

thesoniashow said...

Prediction: I would record every episode of "Barry!" But the episodes would sit on my DVR unwatched, forcing me to delete them to make room for more episodes of "So You Think You Can Dance."

burritojustice.com said...

MLB has the whole streaming media thing locked down - radio, TV, fortune cookies, etc. Anything they can get money from they lock down.

Are you in a tallish building? AM radio doesn't do well in tall buildings for reasons I vaguely remember.

If you want to head down the technical route, you could fork out $99 for one of these and stream audio (and video) to one's mobile device. Is awesome, and you get the smug satisfaction of paying money once to someone so you don't have to pay money on demand to someone else..

Tamagosan said...

@TK, just that one paragraph, don't worry. The rest is totally up to Saunders standards. Ohsnap... I know you're totally going to ban me from your comments now so I'll stop...

@burritojustic: Yeah, pretty tall building, not too far up, but thick walls that clearly are Dodgers fans. The Vulkano looks cool, and I am certainly one for smug satisfaction. The Giants tend to do better when I don't listen or am not around (um, World Series while I was in Guam...) so I may take one for the team, not sure...