Friday, December 10, 2010

The 7 Most Annoying People You Will See at Your Office Holiday Party

1. Handsy McBoss

Oh hey, whoa, I know you’re my boss and everything, and yeah, I like you just fine, but you’re kind of putting your arm around me in an uncomfortable way and your breath really smells like Seagram’s 7 and not in a good way and I’m glad that you like me as a person and not just as a member of the team but I sort of need to get away from you right now. I’M GOING TO START SCREAMING THAT YOU’RE GIVING ME A RAPE FLASHBACK IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO oh whew that’s better. Don’t look so sad. It’s me, not you.

2. The Drunkretary

By day, she’s just a normal, if over-made-up, receptionist from Danville or Dublin or one of those “D” suburbs, but tonight is her night to LET SHIT ROAR because them DRINKS IS FREE and WHOOOOO KARAOKEEEEE!!!! She can be spotted hovering near the DJ booth asking for Katy Perry songs and later asking if you like to “party.” SPOILER: You like to party. That’s why you work in a different branch next year.

3. Broseph from Sales

LET’S DO SOME SHOTS BRAH. OK, did some shots. LET’S DO SOME MORE SHOTS. Jesus, Broseph from Sales, how are you still upright? I just know you as the loudmouth who drives an Audi A6 and talks about fantasy football all the time. I’m not sure that I want to be buddies right this second, especially since you seem determined to give out alcohol poisoning instead of STDs, for a change. Where’s the rest of the Alpha Mousse Gang? Why are you still talking to me?

How awesome is this picture? It's from some article about how to act at an American holiday party. I'm not sure I'm 100% down with the implications of this picture vis-a-vis how to act at a holiday party.

4. Married Linda

Your husband sure is out of town a lot, Linda. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have lost a few pounds, but please don’t touch my abdomen any more. Huh, no, I haven’t really thought about where I’m going after the party. Probably just home. Yes, MY home.

5. Bob Who Knows You for One Thing

Remember about a year and a half ago when you went to Chicago to see that girl you don’t even talk to any more? And you happened to mention to Bob that you were going to Chicago? Now every time you see Bob, that’s his only point of reference for you and he’s all “Hey, it’s Mr. Chicago! How’s things in the Windy City? Say, what about those Bears? DA BEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHA.” So you have to smile and nod patiently and explain to Bob that you haven’t really been to Chicago or thought about Chicago since last spring and then he’ll look a little crestfallen and you’ll both stand next to each other watching Sylvia try to dance and awkwardly not talk about anything until you pretend to see someone you know and walk away.

6. Don who is “down” with the African-American guy

So you’re talking to Jason, who happens to be African-American, about what he did on his birthday last week and here comes Don from Accounting and oh no oh no here he goes. “SUP MY BROTHAAAAAA,” he says. Don, you are Don from Accounting, not Snoop Dogg, why are you talking like that? “Not much, not much, just keepin’ it real,” Don says when asked what he’s been up to. If washing your Chevy Astro in your driveway in Rohnert Park is “keepin’ in real,” then yes, you have been keepin’ it real.

7. Nikki Overshare

Nikki’s cute enough I guess and she’s fun to talk to and I don’t see her that often and OH GOD NO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR UTERUS GETTING SCRAPED um maybe I can redirect the conversation to over here about how I saw my family over Thanksgiving and JESUS NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOUR UNCLE TOUCHED YOU INAPPROPRIATELY WHEN YOU WERE FIVE AND SWINGING ON HIS SWINGSET. Do I have to reveal something now too? I shoplifted a Penthouse Letters from an airport newsstand once! No I didn’t I just made that up! I have to go now!


Skance said...

I think you hit most of the key people except Vicki Overdressed and Steve Shorts-and-flip-flops like I don't give a fuck. Dressing up is done far too infrequently in these modern times, so please make an effort more substantial than removing your baseball cap, but there's also a fine line between looking nice and showing up to the Fuddruckers party in need of a corsage and prom date.

Tamagosan said...

This is a pretty spot-on and hilarious list. I will keep it in mind for the bf's company holiday dinner tonight. Who knows what awaits us on Guam...

That picture reminds me of material I used to use to teach English to Germans, so I'll just imagine everything in that photo in a German accent to make it even more awesome.