Monday, December 20, 2010

Your Quick Reference Guide to Celebrity Rehab 4

THE PLAYERS

Jason Davis is a fat guy whose grandfather invented movies or something. He is addicted to heroin and Twix bars, which is understandable because both are delicious. He is enemies with FRANKIE.

Leif Garrett is a guy your Mom used to masturbate to. He is addicted to everything in the world. He is enemies with EVERYONE and is especially annoyed by FRANKIE and with good reason because she is annoying as fuck.

Jeremy London was on Party of Five and was in the news recently because he was kidnapped by space aliens and taken to planet Are You Fucking Kidding Me and forced to take drugs and have fun. He's a little puffy but seems like a nice kid. He has a wife who looks like a RealDoll and is friends with LEIF.

Janice Dickinson is a semi-preserved former supermodel who eats barbituates for fun and gets mad when people don't pay attention to her. She is enemies with RACHEL.

Jason Wahler is a normal guy who happened to walk into the Pasadena Recovery Center by accident one day and was never allowed to leave. On "Celebrity Rehab," he is played by himself, or the other way around or something.

Frankie Lons is the mother of either Keyshia Cole, Keisha Knight Pulliam, or Ke$ha. She enjoys using the word "motherfucker," which is bleeped out with some success by authorities at VH1.

Rachel Uchitel is not the least attractive chick Tiger Woods banged. In fact, she is not in the bottom 10. She is addicted to not wearing enough clothing.

Eric Roberts is a strange pothead. His "Eracism" t-shirt somehow survived the 80's intact.

EPISODE GUIDE

Episode 1: Blah blah blah everyone talks about their boring lives. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 2: Everyone freaks out a little when they can't have any more drugs. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 3: Jeremy London's wife is wheeled in so everyone can get a look at her construction. Leif Garret is pissed. Jason Davis is a dick.

Episode 4: Everyone goes to the beach! There are no drugs there. Leif Garrett is going to leave. No, he's not now. Eric Roberts cries. Jason Davis is not that bad. Rachel takes a cab to oblivion.

Episode 5: Rachel realizes she must stay on TV to become famous and comes back. Resident Tech Shelley would kill for just one hit of crack.

COMING UP THIS SEASON

Everyone leaves and starts taking drugs again.

MY FAVORITE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW

Resident Tech Shelley. How much fun would it be to go on a weekend-long bender with her? Fuck.

3 comments:

Tamagosan said...

Ugh, now I fear I must watch this show. Mainly because Guam basic cable does not include Bravo, source of Top Chef and Real Housewives.

amy.leblanc said...

i admit i have been watching pieces of this because it's the only vaguely interesting thing besides the SUPER REPETITIVE local nightly news that is on during the time i am often the treadmill at the gym after work. well, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is also on but i'd rather watch the weather channel on repeat than subject myself to that.

plus, i also have a fascination with addiction, and like most of America am fascinated by how people who have everything can end up such trainwrecks.

also, yeah - i <3 Shelley too.

Harold Russ said...

So excited to watch the episode when Jason Wahler happened to walk into the Pasadena Recovery Center by accident and was never allowed to leave :)