Tuesday, November 23, 2010

True Tales of Holiday Air Travel

Now is that time of year when Family Members who aren't in Prison or Too Drunk are summoned out to Dad's place for the Thanksgiving Thing. In my case, this necessitates some Air Travel, which has been in the news lately as you might have noticed and thus I was kind of interested in a morbid way to see what kind of indignities the TSA would visit upon me.

ANSWER: Nothing. They barely looked at my bag as it slid through the X-Ray machine or what have you. I could have packed a set of Ginsu knives or a baggie full of China White in there and no one would have been the wiser. I strolled through that metal detector like a motherfucking BOSS and never broke stride.

My biggest problem was the balding, birdlike man behind me who seemed to think that he could accelerate the screening process by SURGICALLY ATTACHING HIMSELF TO ME and NEVER STRAYING MORE THAN ONE MICRON FROM ME like he was some kind of Security Remora and I was his Leader Shark. BACK THE FUCK UP JOEL IT'S NOT MAKING THINGS ANY FASTER.

Meanwhile The Wife was selected to go through the Porno Machine and so somewhere there exists a full-body nude of her and she was all "If that gets you off be my guest."

Our only real issue, in fact, was getting goddam AIRBORNE so we could get 4 minis of Skyy and be on our way. And now we're here.

6 comments:

Allan said...

I LOLd at "Joel."

iknowalyssajones said...

thank jesus christ on rubber stilts I dont have to travel during the holidays. I heard that some douchebaggie made a little girl cry because he snatched away her teddy bear before he patted her down. It was weird because usually the guys from 'To Catch a Predator' are really nice?

markmywordssite.com said...

The last time I flew, 9/11 hadn't even happened. I'd freak out over this whole pat down controversy now!

Either that, or...umm...secretly like it...

Christina said...

Hysterical. I hope they pat me down.

Tamagosan said...

They were REALLY serious about my water bottle from Guam-Japan-Korea-SF, but then I discovered a lighter in my purse after SF-Las Vegas-Back East. Go, TSA.

TK said...

Tamagosan, I think you can carry on lighters now. I have the past couple of trips, anyway. Then when the TSA guys ask why I have a lighter and no cigarettes I always sigh and say "IT'S FOR COOKING HEROIN, DIPSHIT."