Here is the Thanksgiving Day schedule we have devised

11:00 a.m. Breakfast (English muffin, coffee, 1 scoop ice cream).

12:00 p.m. Mimosas.

12:35 Cheese and crackers. Shrimp cocktail. More mimosas.

1:00 p.m. Open first bottle of wine.

1:10 p.m. Open second bottle of wine.

1:15 p.m. Retrieve previously-hidden bottle of Jameson from bedroom, have shot, resume conversation with family.

1:36 p.m. Tell distant cousin it's a shame you don't get together more often; give her fake email address; will explain to Dad later.

2:00 p.m. Announcement from kitchen: "We're about an hour away."

2:15 p.m. Open third bottle of wine.

2:30 p.m. First ruling from kitchen that a particular dish is "Ruined. Dammit, it's totally ruined."

3:00 p.m. Open fourth bottle of wine. Start mentally calculating if there's going to be enough wine. Tell everyone "This is the last bottle."

3:05 p.m. Hide 3 bottles of wine in closet upstairs under sheets & towels.

3:30 p.m. See McDonald's ad; mouth waters. Treat with more wine.

3:50 p.m. Query re: Estimated Arrival Time of Dinner met with icy "Soon. OK? Soon."

4:15 p.m. First crying jag. Luckily, the source is a 2-year-old. THIS TIME.

4:17 p.m. "OK, it's ready."

4:25 p.m. Finished.

5:16 p.m. Wake up in sitting position on couch. Try to remember where remaining wine is hidden.

5:18 p.m. Open fifth bottle of wine.

6:45 p.m. What the fuck is with this relative and his bizarre, unprecedented success in Trivial Pursuit? What did you do, memorize all the answers? Did you really memorize all the fucking cards? Because you either memorized all the cards or you got a brain transplant because there's no fucking way you were this smart last year.

7:12 p.m. Ugh, I can't drink any more wine. Are there any of those beers left? I don't feel so hot.

7:43 p.m. Man, I had this guy all wrong. He's actually pretty fucking cool. "Yeah, you should totally come out! You can stay with us and everything!"

8:12 p.m. Where did the rest of the wine go? We cannot be fucking out of wine.

8:32 p.m. Wonder aloud if that dog show program is on yet.

9:06 p.m. Fall asleep.