Urban etiquette: an occasional series

Today's topic: ATM crimes

Misdemeanor: Taking forever to complete your transaction

Hey, Carl Icahn, what are you doing there, executing a leveraged buyout of General Motors through the ATM? Look, you numbskull, it’s PIN – withdrawal –amount - receipt yes or no. Why you’re standing there contemplating each screen like it’s the menu at Le Cirque is beyond me. You’ve used one of these before, right?

Felony: Endorsing your check(s) after stepping up to the ATM

Look, there’s a line here. We’re all waiting to use the ATM. And instead of endorsing his check or whatever ahead of time, this asshole blocks the ATM, starts the transaction, and then endorses the check while everyone behind him is held up. It wasn’t a surprise that you were going to get to the ATM, jackass. Endorse your shit ahead of time.

Death penalty: Talking on cell phone while using ATM

This crime against nature combines two of the biggest land mines on the urban etiquette battlefield – the cell phone and obliviousness. So I’m waiting to use the ATM and this woman is ahead of me and talking on her cell phone. I can already tell this is going to be trouble. So she gets up to the ATM and it goes like this:

Puts in her card

“Blah blah blah excruciating details about my boring life”

Enters PIN slowly, still talking

“So then blah blah blah I can’t believe you’re listening to this fucking minutiae”

Makes selection from menu at ATM. Unbelievably, TURNS AWAY FROM ATM WHILE TALKING

“And so on and so forth here’s what happened second by second today in my life”

And it goes on pretty much like this. Press button. Talk for 30 seconds. Press button.

Now, at this point, I’m surprised that the psychic energy of my loathing and frustration hasn’t caused her head to burst into flames, but I guess I’m not at that Jedi level yet. ANYWAY, cell phones and ATMs. No. Don’t do it.