How many times have you thought "Hey, I wish my city was hosting activities tangentially related to a sporting event that will actually be played 50 miles away at enormous civic cost and virtually no return on investment, but with guaranteed headaches and inconveniences for vast swaths of the local population, all for the purpose of enriching a few billionaires and perpetuating a morally questionable sport that leaves some who play it with lifelong diminshed cognitive function?"
A lot, right? Well, FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!!!!! SUPER BOWL 50 IS HERE!!!*
* Not actually "here."
Check out all the fun events and activities at SUPER BOWL CITY!!!
First you'll want to note the area in RICH OWNER RED. That's fabulous SUPER BOWL CITY, where you'll be subjected to invasive, airport-style security just to get to the Subway, which you probably shouldn't be going to anyway. Inside SUPER BOWL CITY you'll find fun activities like OH NO NOT THE PATRIOTS AGAIN, a 36-hour-long loop of Tom Brady throwing an 8-yard pass to a tight end, and BUILD ME A STADIUM YOU LITTLE FUCK, where you can pretend to be a megarich team owner and force a struggling municipality to go to a three-month school year to have enough money to build you a new stadium to replace the one you had them build you just 8 years ago!
Oh no! What's that sound? Has an NFL player gotten loose from the Containment Area and is threatening passerby? Please quickly and quietly assemble at the ROID RAGE EVACUATION POINT for removal by ferry while our team of trained specialists restrains and calms Mr. Hardy.
Down Market Street a bit you'll find CONCUSSION JUNCTION. Take a monster blow to the head in our Aeneaswilliamsizer and then compete to finish simple tasks like remembering to pick your kids up from school or successfully ordering bottles of Ace of Spades for your boys at XS! Don't try taking Muni there, though. We've removed all the busses so limos full of cocaine and champagne can get through!
[PLEASE NOTE: NFL Executives, you will need to check in at the Mayor's Reception/Quid Pro Quo Donation Station upon arrival. Please remember to discard dirty money in the box marked "ILLEGAL CONTRIBUTIONS HERE." Thank you!]
Want to participate in the fun, but don't have thousands of dollars in disposable income? You'll be welcomed warmly at the CITIZEN PEN, where you'll find a VCR with a grainy copy of one of the Cowboys-Bills Super Bowls and a box of Bagel Bites.
Also remember, we've partnered with Uber to bring you GUESS THE SURGE all week! Trying to get home from work because Muni is completely shut down? That'll be 2.4x normal! Thanks for playing!