Friday, February 20, 2015
Girl Scout cookies, ranked
10. (Tie) Cranberry Citrus Crisps/Rah Rah Raisins
"Cranberry Citrus Crisps" sounds suspiciously healthy. Oh, it's "filled with 9 grams of whole grain!" So it IS healthy. NICE TRY GIRL SCOUTS. You know what I'm not filled with? Fucking Cranberry Citrus Crisps.
Rah Rah Raisins are just oatmeal raisin cookies but with yogurt chunks in them. Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good oatmeal raisin cookie by putting yogurt chunks in it?
DISCLAIMER: I've never actually eaten either one of these, but I've never eaten compost before either and I can tell that wouldn't taste good.
Those hard little shortbread things. There's nothing wrong with them, I guess, they're just boring. They're the The Economist of cookies.
Trefoils, but tarted up with some lemon icing. I see what you did there, Lemonades, and you're not fooling anyone.
Trefoils, but with fudge on the bottom, and an "embossed 'Thank You' in English, French, Chinese, Swahili or Spanish." You can act like you're the Model U.N. of cookies, Thanks-a-Lots, but we know you're just Trefoils with a tan.
6. (Tie) Toffee-tastic/Trios
Of course there was going to be gluten free Girl Scout cookies. I picked up a box of Toffee-tastics after my dealer chirpily told me "I tried them and I was surprised! They're not bad!" Girl was right, they're not bad, but you only get a single sleeve because only rich people have the time and money to be allergic to gluten.
I don't know anything about Trios.
Now we're getting into the money cookies. Do-si-dos are peanut butter sandwich cookies not unlike Nutter Butters I guess. They're good - certainly better than anything Trefoil-based, you can be sure - but maybe a little dry?
The caramel and coconut ones. They've been kicking ass and taking names since my little sister was a Girl Scout and she's in her 30's now. Samoas are never not good.
3. Savannah Smiles
As far as we know, not named after either the Okkervil River song or delightful 1982 family comedy, these lemon-flavored sugar-dusted half-moons go down smoother than 12 year old scotch. They should be called SAVANNAH FUCKING KICKS ASS instead of Savannah Smiles.
Peanut butter coated in chocolate has been done - I see you there, Reese's - but Tagalongs benefit from a crunchy cookie base. Get on our level, Reese's, or shut your damn mouth.
1. Thin Mints
BOW DOWN MOTHERFUCKERS. You are in the presence of greatness. Do people take a nightmarish 12-hour flight to Paris and then put up with the French because the Mona Lisa is just a good painting? No, they do it because it's the best. Why does everyone buy Thin Mints? Because Thin Mints makes every other cookie look like hot garbage. Elegant in its simplicity, perfect in design, Thin Mints is as pure an expression of American exceptionalism as tractor rodeo. Accept no substitutes.