Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette: There is an empty can of mousse in my heart now

The Final 3 this year is in Antigua. We will begin with a painfully long recap clip package.  It's eerie foreshadowing, because this whole show is going to be painful and long, but hey, it's 20 minutes to get some drinks/Xanax/uncut heroin into you.

First up is Drew.  Poor Drew has zero chance, but God bless him, he keeps trying.  Our Journey today takes us from "Betty's Hope" to "Shirley Heights" and is everything in Antigua named after a truck stop waitress?  Oh, look, here in Shirley Heights the producers have staged a "party" for them with a couple of locals listlessly dancing to canned steel drum music and drinking whatever cheap booze ABC ponied up for. Not even dollar rum can hide the sadness in their eyes.  D & D wander away from this depressing gathering and Drew hopes to find a "secret garden" which is what a lot of straight guys are interested in because Drew is very straight.  He is a heterosexual man.  "I just want to fall more and more in love with her," he says.  That's what Exodus recommends!  Keep at it, Drew.

Outdoor dinner gets rained out but Des "could have dinner anywhere."  All she needs is a dumpster and a piece of plastic sheeting!  Because she's poor.  That was a poors joke.  Anyway, straight to the Fantasy Suite!  Des settles in for some Girl Talk about how her ex couldn't communicate or tell her he loves her and she needs someone who can communicate.  "I know it, girl," Drew says, turning on Real Housewives.  "Men are THE WORST."

Wait, we're in Idaho?  What happened?  Oh, I guess Brooks has to clear things with the Sister Wives before he makes it official.  Who are these people?  Brooks has some kind of backup family we didn't meet on the hometowns.  I think the gist of the whole thing is that Backup Family doesn't think he should propose if he has doubts.  Hm, sensible enough, but hardly a ticket to Z-list celeb status.  Anyway, there's a lot  more feeling feeling feelings talk but I kind of tuned it out because I'm an emotional husk and it makes me uncomfortable.  Ask your father.

OK, back to Antigua and here's Chris and there's a helicopter ride - Chris is "a little scared of heights," natch - off to the Deserted Island Beach Picnic.  POETRY THREAT LEVEL ORANGE.  Blah blah making out boring whatever.  Outdoor dinner.  Chris has discovered a job opportunity in Seattle and wants to move there and get a "cute little house."  D says she's fine with that and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND?  Is that some kind of local Antigua Monster Cricket?  It sounds like frog croaking put through a flanger or something.  It's horrible make it stop.  OK so anyway, Fantasy Suite, you know what's coming.  What we can only hope is the penultimate TERRIBLE FUCKING POEM.  This one doesn't even rhyme, honestly, he's kind of phoning it in now, it's not good, even by Terrible Poetry standards.  It's more just like a Relationship Word Salad or the kind of thing a cutter might leave on a LiveJournal.  Ugh, SHUT UP already.

Brooks Time!  Des is excited and dons what appears to be a piece of shredded sheer curtain that a child has tie-dyed, but first it's time for Brooks to have a chat with Chris Harrison, who is visibly bored and only halfway paying attention as Brooks says, in a roundabout way, that maybe D isn't the One for him and no, he's not afraid to commit just NOT WITH HER.  Well, that's good to know.

Here he goes to dump her.  She's wearing her primitive mullet shirt garment and babbling about how she's in love with him.  Then they sit down for The Talk and it's just as boring and uncomfortable as you might imagine watching someone get dumped on TV might be.  He's all "I really WANT to be madly in love with you" and that's usually not followed by "And I am!  Let's get cronuts!"  She starts crying away and he should just be like FINE, I'LL MARRY YOU, JUST PLEASE STOP CRYING.  Watching a chick cry is just the worst.

Brooks (L) learns that his mousse will no longer be available in the 55-gallon drum size, while Desiree (R) cries after being unable to complete the TV Guide crossword.

This goes on for a LONG LONG time with the crying and the "Sorry" and the "This sucks" and half the time you can't understand what the fuck they're saying because Brooks is a huge mumbler to start with and it's windy and so we're in the shitty position of watching a chick get dumped without even being able to ENJOY IT, I mean FUCK, ABC, the NSA can read my stupid emails about trading Pablo Sandoval but you can't even mic a breakup.

I think it ends up with D saying she doesn't love the other 2 guys and it's over.  I DON'T THINK SO BABE THERE'S ONE MORE SHOW.

Let me just put this out there: I am saying right now there is a non-zero chance that Brooks rides back in at some point next week and saves the day.  We'll see, I guess.

2 comments:

papercutsurvivor said...

Well, if she ended up settling for one of those other dudes, then someone had a pretty uncomfortable time last night.

"Oh shoot honey, the DVR didn't record the show! I have no idea how it got chainsawed in half. So, sushi or Chinese?"

SLK in SF said...

These recaps just never get tired. Unlike the show itself.