You didn't think you were going to get off the hook completely, did you?
Baby Beyonce turned one month old yesterday. If you recall, getting here was something of a challenge. How have things been since? Let's take a look!
Babies from zero to one month old are essentially inefficient, milk-powered alarm clocks that you can't set or control in any way. They have two goals: sleeping and eating, and when the first one is completed you better be GODDAM SURE you're ready and available to assist with the second one. Since I don't lactate personally, The Wife takes care of most of the feeding beat - and she does it with aplomb and a resolute cheerfulness that is both reassuring and somewhat bizarre, at least to a crank like me - but occasionally I pitch in with a bottle here or there. Also, this kid can fucking eat. Born at 5 lbs 11 oz, she climbed through 7 pounds earlier this week, and shows no signs of slowing down. For now, anyway. I guess it slows down later or something.
The dog likes her, too.
What else? Before she was born, other people who already have kids would gravely warn me that I better get used to not sleeping. They love saying shit like "Better get sleep now! YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN ONCE SHE'S BORN!" Well, you know what? It's all bullshit. People love to try and freak you out, and this is an example of that. I used to get 6 hours of sleep a night. I still do. It's just not CONSECUTIVE. Here's the actual, real deal, at least with Beyonce: she sleeps about 2-3 hours at a stretch, and then wakes up, demands SOME FUCKING FOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW WHERE'S MY FOOD YOU BASTARDS and then goes back to sleep. So you're essentially up for an hour, then asleep for 2 or 3. No bigs.
All things considered, I have to say she's a pretty good kid. Anyway, we're way past the deadline to return her.
UNRELATED QUESTION: What do you tip the person who cuts your hair? Like, how much if the haircut is $50?
Sigh. Yes, my haircut costs $50, but I only get it cut once every 3 months, so it's really only $200 a year, which I bet is less than a lot of you people spend. I've been giving her $20 but now I'm thinking that seems like too much. That's, like, almost a 50% tip. That can't be right. Obviously, I can't go back down to $10 NOW, but I'm just curious what you guys think.