Thursday, March 29, 2012

Based on some secondhand info, let's rage about the ways the Giants have fucked up the ballpark this year

Apparently there is some kind of ballpark tour for Important Twitter Accounts Other Than Me right now, because @SFGiantsFans keeps sending TROUBLING and DISTURBING updates about New Features at AT&T Park. Like this:

Ugh. Ugh. "Corona Beach Club"? Fucking FUCK ME. What is this, a park where baseball is played or an episode of "90210: The Dissolute Alcoholic Post-College Years"? "Corona Beach Clubs" are for stadiums in San Diego or Phoenix where no one's pretending to watch the game anyway. We come to AT&T Park to watch the Giants team play the baseball, not sit in some crappy beer company's themed sand-filled seating area and drink their crappy beer.

I expect the Corona Beach Club to be especially fun on Tuesday nights in July when it's 56 degrees with 20 mph winds and fog blowing over the walls like smoke from yet another uncontrolled PG&E manhole explosion. WHERE'S YOUR BOARD SHORTS BRAH.

This is San Francisco, motherfucker! Instead of this bullshit, we need something like the "Herbal Remedy Weed Club," featuring a thick forest of prime Kush and a vaporizer and a little stereo that plays the Dead show at Cornell 5-8-77 on constant repeat.

Or how about this:

First of all, anything called "hip" is inevitably whatever the opposite of "hip" is. Secondly, as all Club Level Smokers know, the outdoor area they're talking about was pretty much the last place you could sneak a smoke in the park. Now that will be gone and if you want to smoke a cig between innings, you're gonna have to go all the way out the O'Doul Gate like all the other losers. But hey, at least we'll have a "HIP OUTDOOR AREA." Not like anyone wants to watch, oh, I don't know, a BASEBALL GAME or anything.

Whatever, I'll still be there.

Hey, second blog post of the day! I'm making up for all that time I wasn't posting much.


Tamagosan said...

...making up for it and giving me a much-needed break from work. Authorized of course, like everything I do at work.

I think I'll be able to ignore the doucheification movement of the stadium as long as these 'improvements' never go as far as to outlaw outside burritos in the stands. I, for one, am getting excited about baseball this year, but that could mean I'm just getting sick of Schulman's reports that are as informative and well-written as always, but increasingly impatient for Bochy to get going already.

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