Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor: The Crying Game

I got distracted by the BCS Championship Game and missed the first couple of minutes of The Show, which means I probably missed the swooping helicopter shots of the Sonoma Valley and Chris Harrison saying "TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR," so instead I tune in right as Ben and "Kacie" (ugh) are embarking on their solo date. Is it just me, or does Kacie look exactly like EVERY OTHER GIRL THAT'S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW? There's a factory in Shenzhen China where grossly underpaid workers get RSIs working 18 hour days cranking out Bachelor contestants. Kacie is the apotheosis of their craft. This is the first time "apotheosis" has been used in a Bachelor recap.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND. Ben, as we will be informed repeatedly, LOVES his home, Sonoma, and so he and Kacie take a moonlight stroll through a COMPLETELY DESERTED POST-APOCALYPTIC DOWNTOWN SONOMA, I mean seriously, is this like a "Walking Dead"/Bachelor crossover? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? She says "It's like we're the only two people on Earth right now," like NO SHIT KACIE, I'm starting to wonder if we've all been raptured or something. Anyway, they have a dinner at an otherwise-deserted Girl and the Fig and it's time for more Dead Dad talk. FORESHADOWING. She collects her rose and it's off to the Sebastiani Theater for a TOTAL MINDFUCK, get ready for this. They sit down expecting to see the latest creatively bankrupt Jennifer Anniston romcom or something and instead we're treated to Kacie's childhood home movies. Sure, mortifyingly embarrassing, but whatever. But then the producers really turn the screws with Ben's old home vids, featuring prominently, of course, Dead Dad. FUCK. That is some fucked-up shit to be pulling, producers! Love it. Anyway, cry cry cry and then they make out in the post-nuclear Sonoma town square.

Group date with 10 or 12 or whatever of them. I can't be bothered to learn their names yet. That comes later. It seems that they will be performing a play written by a bunch of kids! It's called "Dragon Ball Glen Ross." No, not really. First all the chicks have to audition for the kids. This is almost as demeaning as real auditions. Whoa, one kid asks Nicki to do a "sexy dance." I might have CPS ask around at that kid's house, just saying. So they're putting on this play at the Community Theater and it's called "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" because you know kids would think of a title like that. I'm bummed it's not "Sir Scotch of Skid Row," but you've got to keep the alcohol references high-class when you're dealing with kids. They're barely old enough to drink wine coolers. All I know is that this play features Blakeley as a Sexy Groundhog or something.

Anyway, this "play" also features Ben in a sheep costume and I can already hear the Furry Message Boards exploding and the whole thing is borderline inappropriate and we're all glad when it's over.

Back at the Sonoma Mission Inn, THERE IS GIRL DRAMA. Everyone hates Blakeley and now it's Samantha's turn to retreat to the bathroom. These chicks hit up the bathroom more than hipsters at Delirium. We segue into a pool party and Ben is fucking making out with everything in sight. Maybe all those bathroom trips! Blakeley "super believes in her kissing skills 100%." Girlfriend is doing something right because she gets a rose. This makes Jennifer cry and cry. Crying and bathroom trips. This is our season.

OK, solo date with fish-eyed "model" Courtney. They're off for a picnic along with Ben's dog "Scotch." Scotch has taught Ben that he wants children! Ben, not Scotch, I mean. Well, maybe Scotch wants children too. He and Ben apparently have a lot of soul-searching late-night convos, so who knows what else Scotch has taught Ben. In the Night Phase of this date, they're off for the obligatory Outdoor Dinner, this one in a vineyard, of course. Ben regales Courtney with tales of his "partying" and his life of excess in the Krazy World of Internet Advertising. Whoa, remember that time we all finished that bottle of Skyy and then ordered room service to someone else's room? That was quite a lollapalooza!!! Crazy days, crazy days. Courtney's dated an actor, she says, but she had to dump him when she found "underwear in the bed." Apparently it's something named "Jesse Metcalfe." Is that an actor? I don't know. She gets a rose. Of course. She's a fucking model.

OK, pre-Rose Ceremony goings-on. Ben makes yet another speech about how much he LOVES Sonoma. WE GET IT ALREADY. He has a little private time with Lindzi or however you spell it and she goes on and on about how she drives a truck and wears dirt for makeup and doesn't know what high heels are and likes to watch wrestling and anything else she can think of to persuade him that she is actually a man. GREAT STRATEGY THERE. Ben's trying to get some face time with all those chicks and Blakeley keeps barging in. This makes everyone hate her and everyone wants to go to the bathroom and cry now.

Oh, here comes Trainwreck Jenna! Being around girls is "very abnormal" for her. I'd say being in any kind of situation without her Seroquel is "very abnormal" for her. Naturally, the stress of interacting with others is too much and she collapses into a crying jag. Jenna is not equipped to handle things like being on national TV or when the vending machine fails to dispense her Sun Chips. Meanwhile, Blakeley sees everyone else's Obvious Bid for Attention and joins in by going off to cry behind the luggage. Ben finds her there on his Fun Trip Around the House collecting the decompensating bags of tears. Quite a crew we've assembled.

Let's get to the cuts. Some chick I've never seen before and Trainwreck Jenna. She responds by stoically accepting her fate and acknowledging that it's not that big a deal. No, I'm shitting you, she totally fucking falls apart and will need years of therapy to deal with this shit. She "can't believe it." Really? Because I can totally fucking believe it. Nobody wants to date an Emotional Plane Crash, and Jenna, you are the Tenerife Airport Disaster of women.

Jenna's psyche, upon learning that Netflix streaming is down.

NEXT WEEK: SF. I wonder if there will be any interaction with cable cars?


Stephen said...

Too soon.

TK said...

Oh, really? I'm glad I didn't go with "Jenna, you are the Port Arthur Pileup of women" then.