Tuesday, September 14, 2010

And just in case that last post had you thinking that maybe I'd lost my edge

Here is a non-exclusive list of people who pissed me off whilst traveling 6000 miles in the last 5 days:

1. Fat Guy with Rolls of Neck Fat seated in my row (but across the aisle) from SFO-DEN who called everyone he knew to tell them his flight was delayed, then squinted at his phone with his fat face and then called someone and said "Yeah, she's got nice....eyes, heh heh heh" like you are so smooth Mr. Operator and who the fuck is sending you naked pics on your phone while you're waiting for your plane to take off?

2. Vaguely Native American Bro on another flight seated diagonally across from me (i.e., so I could see everything he did) and who was dipping (i.e., using smokeless tobacco) and spitting brown spit/tobacco juice into a clear plastic cup. I would rather you light up a fucking Cohiba than spit into your spit cup within 5 feet of me. THIS ISN'T FUCKING DEADWOOD, HOMBRE, IT'S AN AIRBUS GOING TO DENVER.

3. Overly Aggressive Frontier Airlines Master Card salespeople in the Denver Airport. Actually they didn't bother me because one of them started to approach me and I gave her The Look that I reserve for situations like this and that probably makes it look like I'm about to kill somebody or dismember a baby and she backed right the fuck up.

4. Everyone who LEAPS into the aisle of a plane the INSTANT it stops moving and then stands there waiting to push off the plane. That will not get you off the plane any faster, you acorn-brained numbnuts. It WILL result in you jiggling my chair back and forth while you stand there in the aisle, annoying me, however.

5. Overly Friendly Coffee Store Clerk who has to extract everyone's Personal Life Story and Detailed History of every single fucking action they've taken since the last time you saw them when all I want is a half-pound of your fucking house blend ground for automatic drip so I can get the fuck out of your cutesy coffee shop and get some goddam caffeine into my system. Oh really? It rained out where you are? NO FUCKING SHIT THAT IS FASCINATING PLEASE GO ON IN MINUTE DETAIL ABOUT EVERY DROP OF RAIN. Did any of the drops touch you or your pets? Please tell me everything omit nothing.

OK, I feel better now. My headache is starting to go away.

2 comments:

Todd X. said...

This only makes me like you more. Glad to see the edge is back.

Tamagosan said...

Nice. Sadly, all of these people have doppel(nay, triple, etc.)gaengers all across the country. Something for all of us to look forward to on our next flights!