Wednesday, March 31, 2010

These Are the Things I Can Do Without #73, 41

#73: Justin Bieber

Since I'm not 12, Justin Bieber didn't explode into my consciousness like a white-hot supernova with a terrible haircut. No, instead he more or less seeped into my consciousness, like a slime mold with a terrible haircut. Now, I don't have a cold and dead heart and I can appreciate the sugary sweetness of a pop hit as much as the next person, but everything about this sawed-off little suburban nightmare makes my skin crawl.

Take a Xanax so you won't leap from your chair and smash your monitor and then we'll discuss:



Ugh. Ugh. It hurts so bad. Let's just start with the very disturbing fact that this little shit is apparently some type of teen sex idol and his fucking voice hasn't changed. I'm all for exploitation, but that is fucking creepy.

Then there's the faux-gangsta dialect he employs when his Good Friend Usher calls. Now, I imagine in real life and definitely in the world of this video, the only hardship JB has ever known is when he was late to soccer practice or Safeway was out of Honey Nut Cheerios, but you can tell he is DOWN because he says "Yo, Usher," and immediately affects a Fake Black Dialect and says "I can do dat."

I'm not even going to get into the song, an over-compressed, terribly-written, Autotuned-to-the-Gates-of-Hell piece of shit. I will point out that he addresses a young female suburbanite as "Shorty." I know I'm going to come off sounding like an Angry Oldster or a Dangerous Crank, but this really does suck.

#41: Fake Cheetos



I know you're eating macrobiotic and basically you have seaweed for lunch and you share a diet plan with a mature guinea pig and you would never eat swordfish because A it's overfished and B do you know how much mercury is in that? But when you lock the door and get ready to watch Every Mother's Worst Fear with Cheryl Ladd on Lifetime Movies Network, please at least have the dignity to buy ACTUAL CHEETOS, which are awesome and a gift from God, and not some fake Cheetos shit that I wouldn't even give my dog. Thank you.

8 comments:

Whirlwind said...

Blue-eyed soul.

j-beiber first name last name/ j -bieber check it in the pass lane

http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00031417.html

enjoy

Whirlwind said...

the internet is full of gifts.

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

Tamagosan said...

I was introduced to J-Bieb through this little gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI

Put that in your pipe and shudder...

Tamagosan said...

OMG it gets more bizarre...

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20347918,00.html

generic said...

stop stop all of you stop. i can't not click the links.

TK said...

Other blogs' commenters = old & busted

My blog's commenters = new hotness

burritojustice said...

The only thing better than J-Bieb are his fans defending his honor on Yahoo Answers (ha ha @generic, you can't not click on this):

Yahoo Question: he's a gay little girl gangsta poser who tries to rap about love from a 10 year old perspective.... is all of america stupid, or just mainstream society? i hate popularity and this is why, im not jealous of some talentless hermaphrodite who uses autotune to get famous. I want an intelligent response, that is, if there is a single Justin Bieber fan out there that doesn't have a negative IQ.

Yahoo Answer: AUTO TUNE?? AUTO TUNE?? NOW U PISSED ME OFF! IF YOU DONT DO UR HW BEFORE YOU POST A BITCHY COMMENT DONT POST IT! HE IS TALENTED, THATS WHY HES FAMOUS! AND JUSTIN BIEBER HAS NEVER TRIED TO RAP, BECAUSE HE ISNT EVEN A RAPPER! EPIC FAIL, DOUCHE-FAG! AND BTW, MY IQ IS 139, IVE BEEN TESTED.

click, @generic. Cliiiick.

Note that thread also goes to show why Yahoo is sliding into irrelevance (and perhaps America).

burritojustice said...

Holy crap, i just realized I left out the best part of that crazy chick's quote (at the very end).

And surprise, she has her own Bieber web site.

Uh oh, Beiber's Canadian. I am so very sorry about that. We do have a tendency to weaponize musicians.