On the occasion of Beyonce's third birthday, here's what I've learned about having a kid, so far, in part.
1. They start out eating just one thing, then will pretty much eat anything, then go back down to one or two things.
They start off with milk (and formula too, which is totally fine despite what militant breastfeeding types will tell you). Then she started eating pretty much everything we were eating. Her first two words after "Mama" were "bus" and "tortilla," if that gives you any clue. I think her first favorite food was pad thai, which she'll still eat on occasion. I never even heard of pad thai until I was like 23. Then as she got a little older she got pickier. No more broccoli. No more corn. Mostly mac and cheese. She loves mac and cheese like teenage girls love One Direction. I'm exaggerating about only liking one or two things, but she definitely won't eat the rainbow any more. Luckily she still likes fruit.
2. "It goes by so fast" is bullshit.
The biggest lie the baby-industrial complex has ever foisted on the American public is that "time just flies, you'll wake up one day and she's off to college." Total crap, She just turned 3 and it seems like it's been about 6 years. I don't even remember her not being here. DON'T GET ME WRONG I love her to death and wouldn't have it any other way but she gets up by 6:45 am at the latest every day and basically never stops talking. It's kinda exhausting. Time does not fly under those conditions.
3. Kids are kind of hilarious
Yesterday morning she wanted me to sing "Happy Birthday" to her so I did. Then she had her sunglasses sing "Happy Birthday" to me in a funny voice even though it wasn't my birthday and her sunglasses are not sentient creatures as far as I know. Shit like that cracks me up. She also got "actually" from another kid at preschool and now says "actually" all the time like she's #notallmen on Twitter. "Actually I would rather have cereal." OK then.
4. Kids have the emotional response of Britney Spears that day she shaved her head
Sometimes they just lose their fucking shit for no reason. We have literally asked her "Why are you crying right now?" and she's said "I don't know why I'm crying! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" One second she'll be happy and totally chill and then she gets the bad news that we're not having cupcakes for breakfast and WHAM total fucking meltdown. I know it's all a totally normal developmental stage blah blah blah fine but just get a Livejournal already and let it out there.
5. TV is your secret weapon. Use it but don't abuse it.
There are parents who say "We don't allow our kids to watch TV." They are lying. Sometimes you really just need 30 minutes to put some laundry in or stare blankly into middle distance and there is nothing wrong with letting Dora co-parent for a spell. We keep a lid on it and don't just park her in front of the screen for hours on end but I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with catching some shows.
6. Overall, it's great
Big picture? So far it's pretty great. We're probably on the lucky end because apart from a few tantrums here and there, our kid is pretty chill and goes to bed without any trouble pretty much every night and is usually down for whatever, but on the whole, yeah, it's great.
Happy Birthday, kid.